Books! Check 'Em Ouuut!

Kel got me season one of both Scrubs and Arrested Development for my birthday, booya! Bluth bananas, Cox rants, and Sarah Chalke before the writers turned her from a quirky intern to an extremely annoying lunatic...awesome. She also got me one of those exercise balls. Anyone ever use one of those? I have used them extensively as bouncy chairs.

Apple just merged its iPod and iPod Photo lines, giving all the white models color screens, and making my own unit sadly outdated. My life is ruined, and my head will soon explode. In vaguely related news, makers of file sharing apps are now being held responsible for illegal transfers through their software. I don't think I like it. No doubt they are facilitators and they know damn well what their networks are used for, but I kind of think the responsibility should rest with the individuals committing the crimes.

Done Closed

I own property. Bow before me! Actually I jointly own it with Kel, and have yet to put down any financial investment for it...but I have a piece of paper that says it's mine! The guy selling it to us is the nicest guy ever. He's Moose Krause's son. We found out at closing that there's some deal with the tax switchover where we're getting charged double because it wasn't his primary residence--anyway, he felt bad since we're "just starting out" and insisted on picking up half the tab. Whoever heard of a seller writing you a large check? His only request was that we help someone else out down the line. You crazy, altruistic, magnificent bastard.

Birthday was fun. Just had some Hooters and played a few card games. I lasted until a whopping 9:30 and decided I was all beered out, went home and watched Reservoir Dogs. What a ridiculous movie--I love you Quentin Tarantino. Except you should stop appearing in your own films. You're kind of a freaky dude, and you constantly look like you're in pain.

An Open Letter To My Fellow Turnpike Motorists

I have two questions for you:

1) Why do you pee on the floor at rest stops? What kind of demented person would pull his car over, park it, walk to the restroom, stand in front of a long line of functioning urinals, and then elect to let loose on the tile? Good Lord!! You're gross and I hate you.

2) Why, oh why, do you pull up behind me and ride my bumper at 75 until I'm forced to move to the right lane, only to then zoom ahead, swerve in front of me, and set your cruise at 68? What kind of person would do this?? What in the name of all that is rational could be going through your head? Are you intentionally chewing on my spirit? Did God send you here to destroy me?

Well, to both groups, or perhaps it is the same group of people doing both of these things--or maybe even a single person following me around, switching cars and hairstyles from time to time to stay incognito--I hate you. I hate you. I don't even know you but I hate you. I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you, and only to you.

North Carolina was a good time. Double the babies, double the fun. They're only a couple months apart but Natalie is still so little it looks like Gwen could consume her whole. To be fair I guess it also looks like Gwen could consume me whole--Gwen is an awesomely chubby baby. She is the Michelin Baby. It was good to see the rest of the fam as well. And we had delicious, delicious Maggiano's--suck on that, Kel!!

Sad Day

An old friend of my family died yesterday. I wasn't close with him but I was very close with his sister. We were briefly in high school together...he spent a lot of time being nice to me when he was a senior and I was a nerdy freshman. He was a good guy.

In happier news, I'm heading down to NC this evening to go see my new niece Natalie for the first time. My brothers and I will probably also spend several hours poisoning our minds and souls with violent video games. Unfortunately my flight is out of O'Hare, which I am told is a 3 hour drive during rush hour. Who knew? I probably would've scrounged the extra $150 to leave straight from the Bend. Alas.

I got destroyed in poker last night. First man out of a 12 man tourney, oose! I tried to go in uber-aggressive and got my ass handed to me. Hoover bluffed me out of about half my buy-in on the second or third hand--the river put 4 hearts on the table and he raised another dollar-something against my two pair, had to back out. He had a couple of diamonds. You fat bastard. A few hands later I tried to make it back going all in on pocket queens...got beat by trip-6's. Apparently I suck at poker. Or am I just hustling you right now?

Who cares.

What Would Howie Mandel Do?

I watched Equilibrium last night, having discovered Christian Bale's badassery (even though Reign of Fire pretty much sucked). I liked it quite a bit, but it suffered from the Eternal Sunshine/Garden State syndrome--I didn't really decide I liked it until it was over. Also it didn't make very much sense...but it did have crazy dudes with sweet guns kung-fuing it up to the max!

We finally got a closing date for the condo. Come Wednesday, I will be an official property owner, with all the inherent taxes and liabilities! Victory!! Since my name is on the deed but I won't actually be living there, please feel free to drop in any time, stay as long as you like, use all the hot water, leave out your dirty dishes, eat crackers in bed, prance around naked, and sacrifice virgins. Kel's cool.

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

I put up "On a man-date" as my away message last night before heading out with Ball for some food and Batman. Never again. Apparently my away messages have the power of prophecy, for within 5 minutes of sitting down at Max & Erma's, Ball and I had unwittingly managed a short exchange regarding the bill which was so completely and convincingly gay that our waitress just came right out and asked "So...are you two together?" Unfortunately I was unable to manage a simple "God, no!" through my womanish laughter, and I think Ball vomited a little into his own mouth. I suppose she could have been kidding, but then it'd be pretty weird that she subsequently launched into how sexy Brad Pitt is in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. By the way, Max & Erma's has far and away the most delicious chicken sandwich I have ever eaten. If you've never had one there you should immediately quit your job and go.

Batman Begins was so awesome that my standard references to either soiling myself or making sweet love to things seem inadequate. If you haven't seen it you should immediately divorce your spouse and go.

A-waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh??

Jebus apparently loves me, for I woke up this morning with absolutely no hangover, and divine intervention is the only plausible explanation. I owe you one, Big Guy!

We're going to see Batman Begins tonight, which I'm super pumped about, as everyone who has seen it so far has barely been able to tell me how preposterously awesome it was through their multiple shuddering orgasms. I tried to see it with Kel in Columbus, but I forgot how crowded the theaters are there and we got shut out. You can say many things about the Bend, but by God it's relatively easy to get movie tickets here. Remember when the Ball went to get Star Wars tickets like 2 and a half hours early and then was the only person in line until about 40 minutes before the show? That's comedy!

Cha Cha Cha

Home was super sweet--a string of delicious meals with intervening spaces of dog-petting and baby-adoring. Gwen continues to get cuter and she's beginning to smile. I strongly suspect that when she does so she's not actually happy, she's just figured out that a smile is the proper response to get us to stop talking like morons. All the same to me!

I just read an article (the second one, entitled "Why Republicans Are Great" by Some Chump) on Megan's blog that makes my blood boil, and my left arm numb. Also I taste copper. I yearn to argue against what it said and loudly complain about the sheer madness of the reasoning, but I don't think I will. I know so pathetically little about politics that I'd be insane to put my opinions in writing and have my ignorance (thanks to Google caching) permanently preserved on the internet.

I love to argue politics in person though. Considering I have yet to vote and generally have no idea what I'm talking about, I have amazingly strong opinions regarding any politically charged subject. I would argue endlessly with Lunchbox throughout undergrad about all those typical areas where liberals and conservatives clash. I was heavily outclassed, and throughout the years he managed to swing me on enough issues (although I definitely didn't admit it at the time) that there's no way I can legitimately call myself a liberal anymore. Moderate, I guess, with a grudging respect for the conservative viewpoint.

That doesn't stop me from sticking to my nonexistent left-wing guns in a late night multi-beer debate though! Maybe it's just habit, or the parroting of my parents' opinions. Or, maybe I just really like a pointless debate. One time I found myself in the unlikely position of arguing to Lizett, one of the more politically informed and civic minded individuals I know, that there's no reason to bother voting Democrat in Indiana, even as my brain was screaming "Good God man, what the hell are you saying!? Oh well, too late--go with it!" Man, that was totally awesome! Up until she kicked me in the gonads.

What a pointless and rambling entry. My friends, you have been given a window into my soul, and you have seen that it is not that interesting. Out!

Last Night Was Crazy!!

Oh man, last night around 8, I watched CSI. Then at 9 things really started to heat up when I dozed to a Tivo'd episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Get this: Barclay--an engineer--was scared to use the transporters! You're ridiculous, man!

Tonight I'm heading home with Kel to visit the family, and perhaps more importantly, the dogs. Then next weekend it's down to Durham, then back down to Charlotte a couple weeks after for the Crudling's wedding. I'd also like to hit DC, Milwaukee, Austin, and perhaps Morehead City before the fall term, so this could be a summer of travel. Anyone else got a free bed for me?

The shooting pain in my left arm seems to have ceased, so I guess I'm not going to die just yet after all. The moral: everything Lizett says is clearly wrong, and The Ice Pirates is awesome! Also Dooz' mom gives a fine sensual massage.

Ice Pirates is Awesome Because

• It has pirates fighting knights in a futuristic galactic wasteland
• Later some vikings come in a skull-mobile
  
• Morticia totally flips out and chops some dude's head off
• Space herpes

I've had a shooting pain from my left shoulder down through my elbow for about 40 hours. Am I going to die?

Mmmm....'Ritas

We saw Shawn the Bartender at Chilis last night--oh, memories! I think that's the first time I've seen him sober since he got fired for being drunk on the job. Afterward we headed back to TC for some One-cup, where Gloria (incredibly) managed to surprise me again with her bizarre behavior by instigating the vandalism of her own car. I left well before her insane plan was actually carried out, but I did get to see the results--a dictionary of dirty words emblazoned in bright pink spray-paint across every surface of her car--on my ride to work this morning. Outstanding!

Also--

I watched Punch Drunk Love last night...a thing you must vow never to do. You must trust me. After I finished watching it I kicked my legs in the air and had Ball hit me in the crotch with a 6-iron for 45 minutes while I praised Allah for the sweet relief.

Weekend Update

Fun weekend. Friday night I proved my cups dominance through the power of cheating and my beer pong inferiority through the power of sucking. Kel came up and we checked out the condo, which it turns out is going to need to be repainted--so if anyone would like to help, I'll supply the pizza and kool-aid. We also saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith on Saturday, which despite the reviews was super sweet, except for the end where both Mr. and Mrs. Smith died in a freak gasoline fight accident. Getting Kel home on Sunday was an ordeal, as it turns out she is too fat to fit through my front door, and we had to call the fire department to lower her through the window. It took 7 men and 3 yoke of oxen.

Flowers? For Me?

Awwwww, someone left flowers on the windshield of my car! I think the only explanation is that all the women in my complex are deeply in love with me, and their leader--some sort of master hottie--took a collection to buy me flowers. There's also a small chance that my roommate, who was apparently wasted last night, tore some flowers out of the garden at 3am and hurled them at my car. Either way I feel warm and very, very fuzzy.

Its Delicious

Oh man, how did I never see Megan's pub crawl album before? Now for your viewing pleasure, here is me preparing to consume Jism's boob.

We Never Planned on This Disaster

I am on an absolutely ridiculous New Found Glory kick. I listen to Catalyst thrice daily. If there is such a thing as a dangerous level of New Found Glory, then I am definitely approaching it. The weird thing is, I've never even heard any of their other stuff except their extremely awesome cover of "Glory of Love" which is reportedly what caused Peter Cetera to commit suicide. That's right, he's dead. Ate his own face.

Macintel

So Jobs announced yesterday that Apple will be switching to Intel chips starting in June 2006 and completing the transition in 2007, proving a ton of analysts wrong and causing the heads of Mac fanboys across the globe to explode. News and rumor sites are all atwitter about what this will mean for the future of the Macintosh--I really don't get it. IBM obviously wasn't cutting it, and Intel's mobile chips blow Freescale out of the water. Soon the days of Motorola/IBM yield problems will be but a distant memory, and Powerbooks will be using low power dual core chips. Why so sad?

In other news my brother sent me seasons 1 & 2 of Danger Mouse on DVD. Oose!

Niece #2!

My new niece, Natalie Celeste!

Highlights

Highlights of the weekend include:

• Charlie, inexplicably: spraying beer on Ball's back midstream; spitting beer on Ball's front shortly after; jumping on a chair and humping the wall; throwing a beer can at my nuts
• Ball performing the diarrhea song & dance routine
• Jen belching louder, longer, and more frequently than any woman or man I have ever met
• The uber-sweet bartender who gave us free pitchers
  
• The signs I had planned to swipe but forgot about appearing magically in my room upon my return from the bar
  
• Being invited to participate in a Notre Dame Porno, and earnestly advised not to worry about it coming back to haunt me in my future endeavors because all hardcore scenes would be spliced in from existing adult films
  

About Schmidt

Having just watched About Schmidt, I now realize that life is completely meaningless unless you sponsor a small Tanzanian boy. As I do not sponsor a small boy of any nationality, I'm going to go drive my car into the ocean.

Damn it feels good to be a graduate of Mickey's School of Monorail Conducting

You random weirdos out there might be led to believe by the expression and cocked hat in my profile pic that I am some sort of gangsta--and you would be correct. The gangsta blood runs in my family's veins. At a few days old, my new niece Gwen had already mastered the gangsta pose and the latest hip-hop dance moves.



Yeah, she's super cute. I also have another brand new niece, Natalie--pictures pending.

My justification for further contributing to the endless stream of drivel that plagues the internet in the form of blogs

Boredom. Its June 2nd and I have 3 long months ahead of me before the fall term begins. For me, that means a daily routine consisting of 6 minutes of actual work followed by 8 hours and 24 minutes of staring blankly at my monitor. If I had an office I could probably pass the time watching old Strongbad emails or punching myself in the face, but as it is I feel obligated to look like I might be doing something valuable.

Onto the drivel!

I was at this pizza place in Kokomo on Monday--Donatos--and they had a sign up in the restroom that said:

Employees must "wash hands"

How awesome is that? Thank you, Mr. Sign Maker! I for one find it totally "reassuring" that the guy who had been kneading his fingers through my lunch minutes before is required to "wash" his hands after using the bathroom!

The pizza was delicious.

My First Post

I did it all by myself!