Three Decades Of Triumphant Sauciness

Here it is: the last week of my 20s. In this past decade, I've seen countless friends married off and spread across the country. I've traveled to Mexico and discovered bacon tacos. I've seen a man chase another man with an axe past an establishment called Mo' Better Ribs. I've spent 94 hours watching Lost. I've seen Mothball wearing nothing but a pillowcase diaper. I've consumed 700 gallons of Coors Light. I've successfully convinced a friend that I tragically lost both testicles in a freak gardening accident. I've laughed until the world went gray over the concept of lettoose. I've gained four nieces and a nephew, two of which have punched me in the crotch. Probably some other stuff happened.

Now, as the decade closes, I've got the big house, the hot lawyer wife, the monogrammed beer mugs--and yet, I feel a great emptiness inside of me, fed by the inescapable knowledge that somewhere out there, a new iPhone exists and it is not yet in my possession. Fortunately I've preordered for delivery on Thursday. Until then I guess I'll fill the void with food.