Swarley Is Comfortable With The Way He Looks And He Doesn't Care What Any Of You Think

YOU BOYS LIKE MEX-I-CO!?

YEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!

Winter Update

It's been a while, so to get everyone up to speed I've decided to employ a very sexy Q&A format. Strap in.

So, what's been going on lately?

Oh, you know. Work. Food. Sleep. We've been watching a lot of The Wire lately, it's pretty awesome. I've been to Hooters 3 times in the past 3 weeks, which would be pretty pathetic if I were a lonely old fat man, but is fine if my wife just likes wings and beer, right?

How goes the 2008 Schreiber Beard Challenge?

No go this year, I'm smooth as a baby mole rat. My current position as a relatively new employee in a well-lit office precludes my participation this year, and I think everyone else just didn't feel like doing it.

That's lame. You're lame. Holiday plans?

We're heading down to Mexico next weekend for a week and a half of fun, sun, and potential diarrhea.

What's on your Christmas list this year?

I would like not to have diarrhea in Mexico.

Why does he pronounce it "diabetus"?

I don't know. Ignorance? Comedy genius? I could answer your question better if I knew what the hell you were talking about.

If you could take back one thing in your life, what would it be?

I definitely would not have kicked that goat in the balls. Sweet Mary he was angry. I cannot even begin to explain to you the rending physical pain, heartache, property damage, and astronomical cost--both financial and psychological--that ensued as a direct result of me kicking that goat in the balls. Honest to God it was the worst mistake of my life.

Why DID you kick that goat in the balls?

Don't ask.

Is Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles any good?

Yeah, I like it. It's really tiding over my scifi needs until Battlestar and Lost come back, and I don't care what any of you jerks at the AVClub think.

What about Kath & Kim? Is that any good?

It's terrible.

But you only saw the pilot.

Screw you, I'm not putting myself through that again.

How's old Swarles?

I love that little son of a bitch. Every night when we settle down to watch TV, he jumps up and stretches across two cushions, leaving only half a cushion each for Lizett and myself, and for some reason instead of being enraged I think it's adorable. And he really hates the cold. Even if he has to pee really bad he just turns around and huddles by the door as soon as we let him out. He likes the snow once he gets out there though, he digs through it searching for treasure, then he gets snow in his nose and it makes him sneeze. It's pretty cute.

Are you growing some sort of crazy afro lately?

Yes, but only upwards, like Chris Reid from Kid 'n Play. I didn't intend for this to happen, I've just been lazy and now I don't want to have to get two haircuts before visiting Lizett's family, so I'm letting it ride.

Anything else going on?

Nah, not really. That's why I haven't been blogging much. I'll let you know how Mexico goes. And by "you" I mean my mom, since my only other reader will have lived it.

Birthday

Happy birthday to Lizett yesterday. We enjoyed a fine family dinner and the girls came over to help decorate the cake. Claire inexplicably started weeping when we sang happy birthday--perhaps because, having grown unaccustomed to the ritual in the past several years, we sang in creepy, emotionless chorus, like zombies creeping forward to devour the birthday girl as the camera fades out. Then in an act of x-treme romance and sweep-her-off-her-feetery I gave Lizett a treadmill. I'm pretty sure she liked it, although I did hear her on the phone laughing in spanish--it's like her english laugh but to the tune of La Cucaracha--about the "idiota marido y su tapiz rodante no romántico".

So now we have a big sexy treadmill in the bonus room, and man was it a son of a bitch getting it up there. I had this absurd fantasy of having it all set up for her when she got home, but I couldn't even get it out of the van, and Dan, Lizett and I combined only got it halfway to the front door. In the end we called Todd over to help, standing in the cold waiting for 20 minutes before realizing a) we could have waited inside and b) we could have just opened the box and carried the pieces upstairs individually.

Suckaaaaaaaas!

A Very Special Weekend Visit

The weekend visit was a smashing success--they shopped, I played video games, we all stuffed ourselves. Then Oscar got an erection, and it FREAKED HIM THE HELL OUT. One minute he was snoozing peacefully, the next he was up, bucking as he hunched half-over in pooping position, his back legs pinning a frantically wagging tail, his front legs rotating wildly on their vertical axis as if he could no longer bend his knees. He scrambled around the room trying to find a crotch to bury his face in, a 120lb beast twirling in a disoriented terror. We didn't know what to make of it at the time, it looked more like a seizure than the aftermath of a sexy dream. My mom had apparently observed this behavior before though, and she ushered him out of the room, pretending she didn't know what to make of it either. I guess she didn't want to tell Lizett's mom "it's okay, he's just scared of his penis."

Thinking about it now from his perspective--the poor guy just didn't understand what was happening. How would you feel if a big slimy tentacle spontaneously popped out of your belly button? HMMMMMMMM?? I'm not ashamed to admit I would crouch over as if to poop, lock my knees, and rotate my legs wildly as I danced around the room seeking the safety of a warm crotch. Don't act like you wouldn't.

Best Summary Photo Ever

Well played, MSNBC, nothing says ISPs are pressed to become child porn cops like a giant trying to lure Mike Hammer into a steel cage with a 4 foot tall computer.

You Spoony Bard!

Change of plans, in tribute to some rando nerd calling some other rando nerd a spoony bard on a message board I visited a few days or weeks ago, I'll be abandoning my previously booked Zelda playing this weekend in favor of an all-out knockout no-blinking dew-drinking volume-blaring no-pants-wearing socially-withdrawn Final-Fantasy-2-marathon! Before you call me a nerd, ask yourself, could a nerd bust rhymes like that? Anyway, if I'm such a nerd, why are you looking at ASCII porn on your TI-85, wondering if boobs are that awesome in real life? WHAT!