Awesome to the Max: September 2007

Saturday, September 29, 2007

My Blog Now

Wah wah wah, my <body part> hurts. I work out now, tee hee hee!

We are awful. I'm so ashamed.

Are the Sonic guys in on the joke? Are they just supposed to be idiots, or are they sort of clever, quirky guys? Why is that chick even with that dude? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

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Lizett! said...

Whap! That's what I think of your Sonic question.

7:58 PM, September 29, 2007

Dan said...

No, the Sonic guys are actually part of a sketch comedy/improv troop out of Chicago. Or at least that's what my friend "Arriving and also tuned into the Chicago sketch comedy/imrpov" Bob tells me. Apparently all the commercials are improved. Or improvised, as the French say.

10:29 PM, September 30, 2007

Anonymous said...

Answer the phone when I drunk dial you - or I shall smite you for your insolence.
-LB

9:58 PM, October 01, 2007

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Thursday, September 27, 2007

Hurting Myself

We're midway through week 2 of our more-walking-than-running program, and hilariously I've still somehow managed to bring grievous harm to my right shin. About 20 seconds into my grueling 90 second running rotation it inevitably starts to throb like it's being crushed under the weight of ten thousand hundred jillion suns, and then comes the whining. Ay yi yi, mis rodillas! No sé la palabra para "shins"! Jesús Billy! So I decided some expert advice was in order and headed to Runtex, which is a pretty cool running store where they examine your stride and determine the best shoe for you, only to be told that I had somehow already blundered into buying a decent shoe and my shin throbs because I'm a little bitch. Their expert advice: run (/walk) through it and see a doctor if my lilbitchery continues.

In other hurting myself news, I have determined that stiff-legged deadlifts are better suited for permanent back injury than beneficial strength gains. I'm 27, why is my body functioning like a 45 year old?

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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Owie Owie Ow Ow Ow

That is the sound my man-boobies are making right now in response to the aforementioned full-length non-getting-back-in-the-groove type lift. It seems my ingenius plan of avoiding crippling soreness by easing into the routine with several sessions of low-weight high-rep workouts was in fact a stupid jerk. Or maybe I'd be even more sore had I not done it this way, I find debilitating soreness is kind of like a hangover in that you never truly recall how miserable it is until you're living it. All in all it went okay though--I lost about 60lbs off my bench but that is to be expected from 2+ years of complete inactivity.

Lizett and I are starting a running program today in an effort to temper our rippling hugeness with sensual tautness. We're doing an interval program working up to 5k thrice a week which involves comically little running for the first several weeks. This is very good for me, because being a skinny guy with long legs I feel that I should be good at running, so every time I start up I go full out and completely destroy my weak womanly shins, then inevitably lose interest in running during the following weeks of pained recovery.

In an effort to temper our sensual tautness with lumpy corpulence, we did make that cake last night, and we ate it right before bed. It was supachocolaty.

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Anonymous said...

Couch to 5K? It is my favorite running program. Because it involves the word couch.

8:18 PM, September 18, 2007

ndchick1 said...

i am sure you have been doing some heavy lifting recently. it has just been maggot-infested poo and not dumbbells. you should totally go as the poopsmith for halloween

8:49 PM, September 18, 2007

Mal said...

Indeed! We're doing it at Lizett's suggestion upon your recommendation, in fact, so if it turns out to be no good you owe me...something awesome from DC. A spaceship, perhaps! In fact, you should send me one anyway.

No way Jism, Swarles is worm-free since 7/3...and loving it.

10:45 AM, September 19, 2007

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Monday, September 17, 2007

There We Go

Ah, more or less back to normal. Plus now each and every time you come to be updated on my whirlwind adventures (9/16: bought a vacuum cleaner to the max...BEHOLD MY CYCLONIC SUCKING POWER) you get to gaze upon my baggy baggy eyes. A gift from me to me, out on the web for all to enjoy.

The game...Lizett just went to sleep in the 3rd quarter. There is nothing to say or do, I have no witty comment involving magic pants. Keep your heads down for the season and don't attract any attention.

Lizett is starting to look hardcore into employment in the Columbus area, which is happy news. I have nothing specific against Austin, but it happens to be the backdrop for a whole mess of painful shots to my junk, so I'm quite looking forward to peeling off and forgetting it forever. Plus I'll be back with the fam and of course have much more convenient access to 50% of my adorable niecews. It's not a typo...it's efficiency. I myself will hopefully be going back to school when we move, which means I've got to take the GRE pretty soon. I've historically been a good test taker, but having been out of school for almost 5 years now...we'll see. On the up side, I have nontrivial experience in the field I'm looking to study and several recommendations comparing me favorably to Jesus. Here's hoping.

Current plan: wedding in March, moving in June. Cake tonight.

Today is our first full-length non-getting-back-in-the-groove type lift. LET'S GET GRANDE!

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Lizett! said...

Where's this cake I was promised?? It's 8:07... you have two hours.

8:08 PM, September 17, 2007

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Friday, September 14, 2007

It's Finally Happened

7 months after separating from the University, Notre Dame has finally revoked my web space--and since the vast majority of my images were hosted there, this site is now a big piece of poop. Stay tuned for an exciting new look that is more or less what I can remember of the old look.

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Vnak said...

Congrats! Apparently, they have sped up the process. I still had access to my webmail/webspace for almost 3 years after I graduated. After one year I even contacted them and told them I had access and it still took them 2 years to do something about it.

1:37 PM, September 14, 2007

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

iPenis

Please excuse the vulgar post title, I understand that is what The Kids are calling the criminally insane who shell out for an iPhone these days. That's right, Steve Jobs has successfully manipulated his Reality Distortion Field in such a way as to make me believe that $400 is not only a perfectly reasonable exchange for a phone, but a bargain! $200 price drop? I can't lose! It is pretty glorious. I'm typing this post on it right now! No, I'm not. That would be the bees knees though, I'd be the coolest kid in the office. I do have to say, they don't exaggerate in the commercials. It actually is that quick and slick, and the iPod navigation is so awesome that when the lights go out I often fantasize that Lizett is a giant iPhone. It is also worth noting to the detractors that the keyboard is much easier to use than anticipated and by the end of the day I was able to type a complete transcript of Garfield Chews the Fat in less than 15 seconds! I have also taken to checking my email from bed first thing in the morning instead of walking over to my perfectly good laptop. iPenis indeed.

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Anonymous said...

Check your email from bed first thing in the morning? Heh, I do the same thing with my Crackberry - though I maintain I am slightly less nerdy since it gets work email too and I usually have a ton of stuff to respond to from Asia and London.
-LB

10:11 PM, September 13, 2007

ndchick1 said...

hello, cingular. my iPee-Pee hurts.

8:46 PM, September 18, 2007

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Friday, September 07, 2007

LET'S GET HUGE

I am a large man, but I am not a big man. Lanky is a popular descriptor, although gangly has been gaining in the polls. There was, however, a brief window circa 2005 in which, due to a year of 5 meals a day and intense weight training that would turn any other person into Lou Ferrigno, I was roughly the size and shape of a normal human man. It was glorious! I would often take my shirt off and walk around the mall, laughing a jaunty laugh as shoppers jealously retched. I would crush walnuts between my boobies and flex out of plate mail, and that one time I punched The Rock so hard he exploded.

Nowadays all my mass is centered in my budding Schreiber Buddha. It makes me cry in the bathroom. So I took the plunge and went out and bought a weight bench. Two things:

1) Lizett is my hero. We have no room for a weight bench in our apartment. We used to have a spacious living room and a respectable dining room. Now we have a cramped living/dining room and a weight room. Lizett has raised no objection. If our child ever asks me how I knew she was the one, I will just flex and go "HOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHBBRBRBRBRBRBB!!!"

2) Buying the bench and weight set was the most emasculating experience of my life. The salesman was, without exaggeration, 6'5", 250 easy, chiseled from diamond, voice of Barry White, with a thick voluptuous goatee that could feed a village for months. I have never felt so inadequate. He was polite but I know he falls asleep nightly chuckling at the thought of me lying trapped and writhing under the bar he spins like a basketball in his special trick weightlifting routine.

2b) Assembling the weight bench partially restored my manhood. I got to break out my ratchet set! I never get to use my ratchet set! I got to apply grease to joints, and hit things with a mallet. Three quarters through I was so pumped it was all I could do not to crank the Lords of Acid and chew through a telephone pole. HOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHBBRBRBRBRBRBB!!!

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Lizett! said...

Just so everyone knows, one of the only reasons I have raised no objections is that I plan to use said weight bench so I can begin to compete in World's Strongest Woman competitions.

12:36 PM, September 07, 2007

Mal said...

At my request, as her breasts are far too big, and not nearly hairy enough.

12:39 PM, September 07, 2007

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