Dancing Pictures

Whelp--all I did was watch TV and movies this weekend.

Stealth--The deformed lovechild of Top Gun and Short Circuit 2. I never knew airplanes had DNA until I saw this movie, but it turns out they do! Some special effects genius said "You know what would be awesome, is if when the plane is struck by lightning, we show a double helix breaking apart!" And God save me, he was right. Anyway, EDI, played by HAL 9000, is a haywire AI jet fighter with an arsenal of evil--but a heart of gold. Then some stuff happens, and shit blows up, and Jessica Biel prances around in a bikini, and I drink another beer.

Glory Road--I liked this one better when it was called Remember the Titans, but it was still pretty good. Josh Lucas, played by the hot dog pilot from Stealth, takes a rag-tag group of young black athletes and leads them down a road to--you guessed it--glory. My heart asplode.

Hitch--Haha! This was much funnier than I expected. Every movie for the rest of eternity should end in a dance montage featuring Kevin James.

The Great Raid--Oh God, the US military is so freaking sweet. Don't step to us, bitches, because we'll knock you right back down. Not since Miss Congeniality has Benjamin Bratt had such a compelling performance. USA! USA! USA!

Battlestar Galactica--Never before has one series dealt with so many serious issues--military abuse of power, torture, terrorism, patriotism, abortion, drug abuse, alcoholism--all on a badass spaceship. I love it. I love it I love it I love it.

Futurama--Let's disco dance, Hammurabi!

The Simpsons--I was so incredulous toward the craptitude of this episode that all my organs simultaneously failed. Bring back Conan O'Brien!

Family Guy--Haha, Stewie shot Brian in the kneecaps and lit him on fire! Should I really be laughing at this? Too late!

American Dad--What the hell?? American Dad is apparently hilarious now. Stan bought a Flava Flav clock and did a sweet rocket boot dance! And he had trouble finding a parking spot! Sometimes I have trouble finding parking spots! Haha, and Klaus didn't even take the large condoms. That's comedy!

I'm Seeing Double--4 Krustys!

I've woken up so exhausted the past couple of days, like I didn't sleep at all. I saw a TV show once where something like this happened, and it turned out the guy was getting kidnapped by some lizard men who cut off his arms and reattached them as he slept. I don't think that's what's happening here though.

CJs last night. So good. I'm still full. Lethargic. Every time I go there, I think of the two big fat dudes who once sat down and powered through two golden domers each. That's a $17 burger, fella. No human should be able to eat $34 worth of hamburger in one sitting--it's time to start thinking about where you might've taken a wrong turn in your life.

I watched part of Love Monkey last night--Tom Cavanagh, you son of a bitch. There were no monkeys, nor any zoo animals at all! Go back to being a lawyer with a heart of gold, jerk.

The crawl is officially on, suckas. Stitch has booked a flight for the weekend of Feb 17th. Berger will coincidentally be in town that weekend (OH GOD, IT HURTS EVERYWHERE) and Shave and Cock (Christine?) are rumored to be making the trip as well, and of course there's the local talent. Nipples? Jism is opting to wait for warmer weather, much to the detriment of my life, but stay tuned for Pub Crawl II: this time, it's sweaty.

For Those Who Haven't Heard...

I didn't want to say anything before lest I rob Vnak the pleasure of spreading the word personally (plus I was likely the last person to hear anyway), but now that he's commented on this very piece of cybershite, let me reiterate--THE VNAKS ARE HAVING TWINS! Is that not the craziest shit you have ever heard? TWINS!! Right now there are TWO new Vnaks chilling in the womb, filling out preschool applications and discussing the best financial investments to secure their college tuition. Mama and Papa Vnak--I love it.

Now please enjoy these two tidbits which sound made up but are not:

1) While enjoying all you can eat wings and a few pitchers at the local Hooters last night, Ball flirtatiously threatened to knife the waitress--upping the total number of restaurant employees he's threatened to knife this week to 2.

2) The interior of Stitch's house was savagely ransacked yesterday...by a deer.

What?

Dr. Acula

Suddenly, and for undisclosed reasons, Stitch has made plans to fly up to the Bend during his spring break to give me a big hairy and possibly sensual man-hug--and more importantly, beer it up like we're back in school. I've mulled over the many possible methods of boozeration, and only one does justice to the occasion...Pub Crawl.

Now here's the exciting part: you're coming. I know what you're thinking, I'm not dropping money on gas/plane tickets to see your sorry asses, I don't even like you! In fact, I hate you and have been planning to kill you for years! Relax, baby! I'm not unmindful of the costs associated with the trip! That's why Ball and I are springing for the limo and the drinks! Drinks not included! Also Ball may not know he's paying for half the limo! We'll see! And if you're thinking, yeah, I'm still not coming, it's okay. It's okay to think that. I'll see you at the crawl.

The Great Schreiber Beard Challenge Returns...Again

I don't know how it happened, but somehow Andy Samberg heard about the Schreiber Beard Challenge and--I can barely believe it myself--was so inspired that he produced a series of short films detailing our epic struggle. The world must bear witness, he said. Watch for me...I'm the one with the awesome beard.

The Worst Thing Ever

To all you suckers who thought that the song My Humps could not possibly be any more mind-numbing and horrible...BEHOLD! Thank you fark.com, once again you have ruined my life.

Great and Good

Firstly, my head asplode. Steve Jobs, you magnificent bastard. Have my babies!

Secondly, the sun is out, the sun is out, oh praise Allah, the sun is out. I haven't seen it since flying out of Phoenix over a week ago, and realized to my horror when it finally peeked through the permaclouds today that I hadn't even noticed its absence. Congratulations South Bend, you have crushed my soul. Have my babies.

And by the way, Phoenix was excellent. I will take a tip from the Nipples and keep my commentary short, as virtually all of the people who would ever even consider reading this drivel were there anyway, but here are some highlights:

--Lauren + Drunk = Crazy Delicious. Lauren is not someone you would accuse of being shy in any case, and beer apparently completely eradicates all her internal filters--to hilarious effect.

--Mating with the plate glass window at Jack in the Box. Or perhaps some other fast food establishment. I don't know.

--Calling Dixie's friend "Jimmy" all weekend, often and loudly, and for no reason I can remember. I think his real name was Jude.

--Getting free drinks at O'Sullivan's or O'Leary's or O'Grady's or whatever the hell that place was called for being ND grads. Hellz yes.

--For all you doubters, Bruiser is still hot.

Unfortunately the actual game was cancelled on account of a rare Arizona monsoon. I think a butterfly flapped its wings in Budapest or something. Who knows what our boys could have done given the chance? I suspect at least 16 Buckeye fatalities.

Now back to work. At my NEW DESK. That's right, I have a NEW DESK. And it's under the WATER PIPES that occasionally BURST IN WINTER, much like my BLADDER when I first moved into my BRAND SPANKING NEW DESK.

Schreiber Beard Contest '05

Eric	Dan	Me

The results of the beard contest are in, and all the critics agree: I am not a man. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being Chuck Norris and 1 being my 6 month old niece, I am perhaps a 3. Two weeks in I looked like the wolf man--not like a furry rampaging beast, but like in the first camera shot when he's just starting to change and his face is a loosely connected lattice of sparse wiry stubble. Yeah baby, I looked good. Real good. Perhaps the most telling point of the whole embarrassing ordeal was when I could stand it no longer and finally shaved a couple days before New Years...and no one in my family noticed a difference for like 6 hours. Yeah, don't stand too close, you might get sprayed with testosterone bursting from my manly glands. Incidentally, I just learned that one of my buddies held the childhood belief that testicles were an extra set of eyeballs conveniently stored in the crotch. I shant reveal his or her secret identity, but if you can guess on the first try, I will mail you a dollar.