Schreiber Beard Contest '05

Eric	Dan	Me

The results of the beard contest are in, and all the critics agree: I am not a man. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being Chuck Norris and 1 being my 6 month old niece, I am perhaps a 3. Two weeks in I looked like the wolf man--not like a furry rampaging beast, but like in the first camera shot when he's just starting to change and his face is a loosely connected lattice of sparse wiry stubble. Yeah baby, I looked good. Real good. Perhaps the most telling point of the whole embarrassing ordeal was when I could stand it no longer and finally shaved a couple days before New Years...and no one in my family noticed a difference for like 6 hours. Yeah, don't stand too close, you might get sprayed with testosterone bursting from my manly glands. Incidentally, I just learned that one of my buddies held the childhood belief that testicles were an extra set of eyeballs conveniently stored in the crotch. I shant reveal his or her secret identity, but if you can guess on the first try, I will mail you a dollar.