DEATH HOOK!

Do you ever feel like your life is filled with insurmountable obstacles? That's because you're a loser. Haha! No, really, you are. But it's also because--wait for it--you don't have a grappling hook. My parents tell me I'm really hard to shop for around Christmas time because I already have everything, but I don't have a grappling hook. Can you picture strolling down the street with a grappling hook casually coiled over your shoulder? Instant respect, baby! Oh, your cat is stuck in a tree? I got this one, Ma'am. No tickets for the big game? No problem! I brought my grappling hook. Say I sit down at a bar, and suddenly some big angry biker man growls "That's my seat, son." I get up, calmly uncoiling my grappling hook, and apologize politely as I lazily swing it in ever increasing arcs. Do you really think he'll want his seat back, knowing that its acquisition will be immediately followed by a face full of speeding grappling hook? And if he gets rough--SPLINK!--I'm swinging away to safety and freedom, and he gets stuck with my tab.

Well, that was a waste. I think I figured out why I was so tired yesterday, and why I'm tired still: I have become a giant lazy sac of crap. There was a time, just short months ago, when I went to the gym 6 times a week, alternating lifting and running. Even on my free day I'd do something, ride my bike around the lakes, blade to campus, at least hit the driving range. I was totally off caffeine, and going home every day to eat something relatively nourishing for lunch. Now suddenly I'm sitting on my ass eating donuts for lunch, popping excederin to stave off the caffeine headaches, and my pants are starting to feel distressingly loose. That's right, chumps, when I stop exercising and eating right, I lose weight! Suck it, world! Anyway, as the days got colder and Kel got busier, we found more and more excuses to skip the gym, and now we don't go at all--hence, giant lazy sac of crap. So from this point forward I'm back on the horse baby! Time to wean myself off the Dew, start eating actual food at breakfast and lunch, and toning up for my triumphant return to Rolfs on that spiffy exercise ball Kel got me. It's oosin' time.