More Phone Woes

Sprint PCS is a son of a bitch. I once saw it scissor kick Angela Lansbury! Needless to say my phone still does not work--that pink tie wearing bastard lied to me. I'll never trust another metrosexual. It's such an irritating problem--if it were acting up with outgoing calls, at least I could identify the issue as it arose and take steps to circumvent it, but as it is I don't even know what I'm missing. Kel could be trapped in a meat locker in New Jersey again. I could be missing invitations to top New York nightclubs, or William Shatner could finally be returning my calls. There's no way for me to know. I'm cut off.

I called to cancel my service on the grounds that they are stupid ugly jerks and their faces are ugly, but they wouldn't let me out of my contract without the $150 early termination fee. For some reason I am still locked in a service contract after more than 5 years with Sprint...having now renewed it twice. It's not that I'm an idiot, see, I just enjoy being contractually bound. Like a babe in swaddling clothes. Anyway, they wouldn't let me cancel without a $150 cancellation fee, but they did offer to send me a brand new phone. Suckers! You thought you were winning back my loyalty, but really I'm going to sell that phone on eBay and use the profits to pay your cursed early termination fee so I can be rid of you and your pastel formalwear once and for all.

Oh, people may think that they don't care about losing one customer, that the $150 check is more than enough to compensate them, but I know for a fact that the president of Sprint lies awake in the dark of night with his covers pulled up half over his face, and when he's not thinking about me "in that way," he's thinking about the terrifying prospect of losing my business. And he weeps. Someday I will don a Richard Nixon mask and run right up and kick him right in the junk, and he'll have to live out his days knowing he took a shot to the gonads from our nation's most evil president outside of Andrew Jackson. Wait, what?