Merry Christmas!

+

=

Doesn't even make sense to me. I'm out of here for break, which I totally still get. Merry Christmas to all!

Rage

Most Christmas songs start off pretty soft, right? Kind of ease into the theme, bells, soft "oooooh, ooooohs" and such? For the love of God someone call the Registrar's front desk and tell them. Every song they crank it up to hear the intro, and then every song swells to painful loudness at the climax and they have to scramble to turn it back down. This has been happening for the past 53 minutes. I think I'm in hate. In better news I just opened one of those two packs of starburst--pink and red. Jackpot!!

Christmas

I'm almost out of here. We almost always get off at lunch the last day before break, so I've got less than a full work day before a glorious week and a half of babies, bacon, and bLizett. Bellissimo!

I saw Eragon the other night for some reason and I can honestly say it's like LOTR, Star Wars, Narnia, and Dragonlance all got drunk and puked on each other. And I say "puked" because my mom reads this sometimes and I don't think she'd appreciate the word or imagery of "shat". In fact, I can't see how anyone would. I've...made a huge mistake. I guess it wasn't all bad, it did have Rachel Weisz, who adds a dash of hotness to the equation. And I do mean the giant computer animated dragon she voiced, not the actress. I'd let her flame broil and consume me...blog five! Niiice.

Tonight is Rocky Balboa, which I'm going to see almost exclusively in the hope that he'll die swinging at the end. This is not malice, I wish Rocky all the best, I just think it'd be an awesome way for him to go out. His wife is dead, he's kind of a has been, he's fighting a guy half his age--ideally, he should go out for One More Round against all medical advice, knock Mason "Stupid Name" Dixon to the ground, raise his hands over his head one last time, and then keel over from massive brain trauma or something--fade to black to the sounds of "ROOO-CKY, ROOO-CKY, ROOO-CKY!" Oh God I think I'm having an emotional breakdown. I have to go.

¡Aiiii, Mis Rodillas!

Soñaba que La Pelota tiene dolor en sus rodillas...en español. Only at the time I had the dream I didn't know what the word for knees was, so I guess my subconscious must have invented some generic term. Ai, mis knees-o-litos! Why was I dreaming about Ball's knees hurting in Spanish? Jesús Billy! The explanation would only blow your mind!

I headed out to Meijer yesterday in search of an ND umbrella, sadly without success, and while I was there I thought I'd pick up an air compressor for Swarles, but it turns out the only compressor they had with a built-in gauge was itself shaped like a tiny little tire, treads and all. What the crap is that? Filling up a tire with another tiny little tire? Sure I can get air flowing in the event of an emergency, but I'm going to look like a douche doing it. I think I'm actually more scared of having to use that thing in public than I am of driving on a bad tire. In a fit of madness I bought it anyway, but God set things right--take it out, plug it in, flip on the switch, and Jesús Billy! The air hose has exploded right off the valve attachment! Aiiii! Jimmy John's! Let this be a lesson to all who would purchase a $10 novelty air compressor. Ho did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that. What an awesome story. Yes, I'm ho.

Meet Claire Deborah!

Oh man, that is one adorably bundled up little newborn. I think I'm going to drive home to see her this weekend--I'm heading home for break next Friday anyway, but why wait? There's a baby to be held! Awkwardly. Ohhhhh so awkwardly. I'm not so good with the babies, I was so nervous with Gwen that I had to sit in a big cushiony chair, position my arms into a stiff and awkward cradle, and have them lower her onto me. And that was when she was like 2 months old.

Give me a break, I'm the youngest. It was the first time I've ever held a baby. On the plus side, I'm celebrating my 26th year of having never changed a diaper and still going strong! So anyway--she's mad cute. Yeah mad...I'm bringing it back.

Easy Money

Firstly, if you are Hispanic and your name is Mallory it is important that you contact me immediately. I am willing to pay twenty-three 2006 US American dollars for written proof of your existence. Or anecdotal proof. Or you could just say you've met some Hispanic chick named Mallory, yes, that should do nicely. Or maybe I myself will comment "Hola!" as "Mallory" and spend the $23 on beer and twizzlers.

Secondly, I watched Training Day the other night, and it was pretty good so I've been occasionally thinking back to some of the scenes, and for some reason I keep picturing the crooked cop as Samuel L. Jackson. I'm the whitest of white guys so I know it sounds like I'm an ignorant chump who can't tell black actors apart, but the much sadder truth is I'm just unhealthily obsessed with Samuel L. Jackson. And come on, Denzel can't hold a gun to a cop's head and make him smoke PCP, and he sure as hell can't rough up Snoop Dogg. I mean, he was pretty badass in Crimson Tide, but he was fighting to prevent nuclear war, not threatening to castrate crackheads for sport. This role was built for Samuel L, I tells you. Denzel as a crooked cop is like Bob Newhart playing a rapist. Or Martin Short. Which he did.

Thirdly, I am out of here tomorrow at 6:15am, which means I need to be at the airport at 5:45, which means I really need to be up at 4:45, which sucks tiny lizard testes.

I'm An Uncle! Again! 2!

It's a girl! At approximately 1pm this afternoon, Svetlana Ingrid McTinyFace joined the population via my now very relieved sister! Not many details yet, and no name so far besides the awesome one I just came up with. I do know she's exactly the same size as Gwen was...whatever that was. I was going to head back to Columbus to see her this weekend, but then I ended up getting a last minute flight to Austin, which actually works out really well since I'm getting a sore throat and couldn't have been around little Svetty anyway. Enjoy that though, Lizett. During finals. BONG!

21 -- Beard Update #1

So far beard watch '06 is pretty painful. I've decided to take a different tack this year and try to keep things tidy. Last year I abstained from shaving entirely and let things run wild, under the theory that more was better, but it turns out that more was actually much, much worse. It was like Grizzly Adams dying of radiation poisoning--most of the problem being that the stubble on my neck grows exponentially faster than the stubble on my face...and in patches. Try to keep your pants on ladies. And gentlemen. This year I'm going JT style, keeping nice and trim in a fairly organized jaw frame, so on a scale of of 1 to 10, 1 being Dead Sexy and 10 being Utter Fool, I am now...still a 10. Oh well.

Schreiber Beard-Off 2--The Hobo Lumberjack

It begins anew. To my knowledge, I am the only participant this year, so I'm really only competing against myself, although sadly that still doesn't guarantee victory. But I really BELIEVE this year, I really feel that if I just wish hard enough, and maybe stand in the mirror and grunt for 30 minutes or so a day, maybe this time I can make something happen. I'll keep you posted.

You know what pisses me off, is in those Nissan Chase for the Heisman commercials there's no Leprechaun. What the hell, Brady's only been the #2 contender for like half the season now, can we get some representation? Which reminds me, USC lost, hahahaha! Anyway, what would be AWESOME is if in the last commercial the door opens and it turns out that the Leprechaun was MIA because he's driving the freaking truck. I would be okay with that even if he stepped out, looked up, and immediately took a 900lb Buckeye to the face. Defeated, but not ignored...screw you Nissan.

Meet Andrew Devin!

Drew -- 9lbs, 5oz

I'm An Uncle! Again!

It's a boy! A biiiiiiiiiig baby boy. So big his big honkin' feet don't fit on the hospital's footprint template. This guy's gonna be a baller. No definite decision on the name yet and he's a little...fresh for pictures, but all that to follow in copious quantities. Booya! Uncle Cheese HOOOOOOOOOOOOO