Guest Poster

Please enjoy today's involuntary guest post by Lunchbox, reprinted without permission and for my own amusement.

Life plans

1. Where do you live? Describe what your home looks like. A Red State - somewhere I can exercise my second amendment rights. My home is an apartment on top of a nine-car garage. One of the spaces has a gun-metal gray Hummer H1 Alpha convertible with the license plate “SUCKIT AL.”

2. What kind of people have you surrounded yourself with? Republicans.

3. Who are your best friends? What makes these relationships work? Also Republicans. Rational conservative thought for part 2.

4. What do you do on a daily basis that fulfills your emotional, spiritual, and physical needs? Shoot stuff and masturbate... sometimes at the both together.

5. Look at the clothes you are wearing. What do they say about you? They say I’m a man who loves Seersucker and may or may not own a boat, but has the footwear for one.

6. How would you describe your chosen profession? Industrialist would be nice. Rich, productive and pissed off liberals sounds good to me... so industrialist.

7. Describe your work setting. Mahogany, rich leather, wet bar, guys named Thorton, Sherwood and Chadwick hanging around.

8. Whom do you work with? Once again, Republicans.

9. Describe your ideal client and your ideal working relationship. Rich and stupid.

10. What do you enjoy most about your career? Crushing others’ hopes and dreams for small financial gains.

11. How much money do you make? Enough to crush others’ hopes and dreams for small financial gains.

12. What do you spend your money on? Do I really have to spell it out for you? C-r-u-s-h-i-n-g o-t-h-e-r….

13. Have you acquired any awards and honors? Fighter ace would be cool... Down 5+ commies, awe yeas...

14. Describe how you think your peers view you. Fear, awe, loathing, jealousy... sexual confusion?

15. How do you view yourself? Fear, awe, loathing, jealousy, sexual confusion?

16. What do your admirers say about you and your work? He’s sure good at crushing others…

17. What would you like to contribute to your field? I ’d like to make hooded sweatshirts acceptable business formal attire.

18. What would you like to contribute to your community? Legalization of turret guns to keep the great unwashed masses from enjoying the opulent splendor of wealth’s surroundings.

19. How do you enjoy your spare time? Ever seen “Surviving the Game?” Yea, I said it... hunting homeless people for sport and pleasure.

Weekend Of Unactivity

Okay, we did not spring forth into action as planned. There was no 6th street excursion, nor even the tamer tuxedoed 4th street alternative. Lizett did not pole dance, I did not brawl with any bouncers. Instead, there was a trip to the mall, various gigantic meals, free suds at the local Bier Garten, a couple rounds of bowling, and more gigantic meals. It. Was. Glorious.

I have to admit, I have trouble working up the urge to really Go Out these days. I don't think that means I'm getting old, just boring. It's such a hassle. You have to get a cab, find a place that's crowded but not too crowded, wait in line for your drinks, hover over some chumps until they're freaked out enough to give up their table, then shout back and forth over the music until it's time to go home. And I'm not saying that isn't fun, I genuinely do enjoy it. It's just a hassle. Given the choice between that and sitting at home watching movies and sipping beers with Lizett, it doesn't seem like much of a choice at all. I am lame. The end.

So the job interviews went well. Extraordinarily well. That isn't necessarily to say I'll get either of the jobs, but if I don't, it won't be because I screwed up or didn't appear qualified. My first interviewer actually made me pose so he could sketch me and hang me over his mantle. The second just handed me a large sack of cash and said "you deserve this." And oh how we danced!

Nah, they went well though. I'm hopeful.

Also, up above, when I said free suds at the Bier Garten...you read that right. Free beer. And appetizers. For no apparent reason. And what's incredible is, none of the law students seemed to care. A lot of them didn't even bother to go. Now I myself only had a couple beers and didn't touch the appetizers at all, but I'm sitting here thinking of the destruction that would be wrought on the city of South Bend if Ball, Rocky, and Raul were to discover such an event, and I shudder. I shudder and vomit, from fear and awe, in that order.

Anyway, that was fun. I didn't eat the appetizers because we were heading to dinner afterward. We went to this italian place called Asti, and they told us they couldn't seat us, I think because I'm Mexican. So we went to Hyde Park, who had an hour wait, then to Houstons, who had an hour wait, then finally to Olive Garden, where Lizett ate 6 pounds of cheese and spent the remainder of the evening moaning like a dying orca. If you ever really want to turn someone on, I recommend you tenderly lay your head upon their chest and sweetly whisper the words "Oh God, I might vomit."

She didn't. Praise Jesus.

Long Weekend

I've been having some weird dreams lately, which is a little unusual, because normally I either don't dream anything interesting or I don't remember it. But in the past three nights:

Dream 1: Lizett has a baby. Let's go ahead and call this one a nightmare. Remarkably, I am not being beaten in a burlap sack somewhere in Texas. Unfortunately, she's still down at school, and I'm taking care of the kid up in SB. And by taking care of, I mean I wake up at 3am, suddenly remember that I have forgotten to purchase a crib or feed the child, and run downstairs to check on little Mal--only to find the front door wide open and a pack of ravenous wolves in the kitchen. Fin.

Dream 2: I'm driving on the highway, going a little fast, and I lose control around a tight curve. I roll out the door and fortunately am still able to control my car with a giant novelty remote control. So I hit the brakes, back the car up, and discover a woman on the grill. Don't worry, she's unharmed, and she has a clipboard. It turns out she jumped on while the car was stopped and intends to sue me.

Dream 3: I'm in an episode of How I Met Your Mother, and Barney is hooking up with a ghost.

Wedding planning is going well. Lizett set us up with a priest, and found someplace to do the pre cana, which I am just looking forward to enormously. We've also settled on a hotel for the reception, so things are moving right along.

I'm flying out to Austin tonight and staying until Monday for a gloriously long weekend of fun and interviews. Really just interview. One interview and one visit to another place in which I am quite interested in the hopes that they will be so wowed by my wit and charm that they will immediately hire me. Then BY GOD Lizett and I are hitting the town. We see each other so infrequently that when I do get down there we barely leave the house--which sounds suggestive but really we're just drinking beer and watching Scrubs--but this time I'm feeling saucy. Watch out Austin, I'm on my way and I'm bringing a suit.

We Have A Date!

The date is set, the church is booked, so clear your calendars suckas because lmartin1 will be lschreib on August 18th, 2007!

Your Best Is An Idiot

We've begun the wedding planning in earnest, or in the vernacular, for reals. For some reason wedding coordinators are all jerks. They're friendly enough folk once you get them on the phone, but unfortunately none of them ever answer their phones, and they certainly don't return calls. Don't you want our money, jerkwads? And we can't get the ceremony and the reception to line up. This church is open on the 18th, but the country club nearby isn't. That cathedral is open the 11th, but the hotel close to it is too expensive. I'm sure there are a million possible places to do it in a city the size of Houston, but so far we have had no luck coordinating.

I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm expressing sympathy. See, when I keep saying "we" what I really mean is "Lizett". She's doing all the grunt work. I've made a few phone calls here and there so I can feel like I'm helping, but being 1,000 miles away and completely unfamiliar with the area there really isn't a ton I can do. Except get my ass to Texas.

The job search has also begun in earnest, or in the vernacular, it's on like donkey kong. I had poked and prodded around for a few jobs before, but I hadn't made it a priority. Now the ND Law School has crushed my last best hope of Lizett moving up here by refusing to accept any visiting students, so I pretty much have to find work in Austin, and soon, or the universe will implode. This makes my mother very happy. My mother is very in favor of me moving to Texas.

So the job search is going all right. I've gotten a couple of callbacks, which isn't bad for just submitting resumes yesterday, although I must confess one of them was for a job in Grand Rapids, Michigan. I definitely did not apply to anything in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Weird. So hopefully something will come through soon. I'm going to poke my head outside of the education market, which should improve my chances of finding something quickly. It's only temporary.

Mother Of God

This is all I've ever wanted in my life.

Hell Yes

I'm going to go see Code Name: The Cleaner this weekend because I like that part on the commercial where Cedric goes aw HEEEEEEEYLL no!!

Engagement Commentary

Jism: Hello, Indiana? My ring finger hurts.

Me: She said yes!
Rocky: If she didn't then I would've.

Megan: Congrats! You guys are twisted just perfectly for each other.

LB: I got your [engagement] text and both my testes simultaneously exploded - right there in the lobby of the Stone Mountain, GA Marriott - it killed two passerbys.

Crowley: From what I've heard, the wedding day is primarily supposed to be about the bride, so the best course of action is probably to sit back and let her make her special day perfect. You don't want to jeopardize this, naturally, so you really shouldn't be doing any planning. At all. She'll take care of it.

Me: Dude, I'm engaged!
Stitch: To Lizett?

ENGAGE'D!

That's right, congratulations are in order as I proposed on the 27th of December and am thusly engaged to my intended pledged spoken for betrothed fiancée Lizett, to whom I shall soon be wed at our wedding in Weddington, TX. I know this probably comes as a big shock. No one expected this, or openly and loudly predicted it all through undergrad. Well played, undefined masses. Hey, here's us at our engagement outing:

Or if you prefer candid:

It looks like we're in deep important conversation about the direction of our lives or something, but we were actually talking about cheese. Production, sale, consumption, the whole gamut.

So here's how it went down, elaborate-plan-with-no-chance-of-success style:

1.) Planting the seeds. A couple months ahead of time, I suggested that perhaps while she was visiting my family in Columbus over Christmas we could head to the Bend for a night and hit the bars with the guys.

2.) Tending the garden. Here's where things get sneaky...oh so sneaky. "Hey, if it snows while we're there, maybe it would be cool to get dressed up and take some formal pictures around campus!" This is the exact moment when Lizett figured out my entire devious plan.

3.) Misdirection. This is the part where I play up how desperately broke I am due to frequent flights back and forth to TX. No money for a ring here! Maybe tax return time! Ha ha! LISTEN TO ME! IGNORE THE MASSIVE CREDIT INCREASE YOU JUST OVERHEARD ME DISCUSSING ON THE PHONE! Where did I put those forget-me-nows?

4.) Execution. Drive into the Bend, head to a suspiciously Mothball-free condo, and suit up. Nothing special going on here! It's for the pictures. Oh you're hungry? We'll eat later. PICTURES NOW. It'll be quick. Who's going to take them? Shut your face, that's who. So we drive to campus and cleverly, instead of heading for a picture location, I beeline straight for the McGlinn benches. We spent a couple significant nights there, see, kind of a key spot for us. I've got a speech all worked out, but I stumble over it and forget all the key parts. I'm a little nervous. I pull out the ring and ask. I forget to kneel. I'm a lot nervous. Lizett will tell you I wept like a little bitch at this point, but that's a blatant lie. The truth is I was presenting the ring with one hand while throwing a superbowl winning pass with the other and roundhouse kicking some street punks with both feet, all manly like. It was a proposal to remember. She said yes!

5.) The lies begin. Lizett looks me straight in the eye and says she had no idea it was coming. I'm okay with this deception but I groin-kick the truth out of her anyway.

6.) Celebration. The Hooters buffalo shrimp were delicious.

No date for the wedding yet. We're thinking the sooner the better, but the planning does take time and there's still the matter of living roughly 1,000 miles apart. I'll keep you posted.