HERE'S What I Think Of Your Prophylactic

Swarley pooped on a condom. There, I said it! I just ruined the whole punchline of the story, but I couldn't contain myself. We were out on our morning constitutional, heading for his favorite pooping spot. He likes to poop in a secluded corner of the complex behind some guy's boat, which is fine with me. He always looks so ashamed, crouched over, glancing around guiltily, I feel he's entitled to his privacy. So we're heading behind the boat, and old Swarles is tugging harder than usual, the way he does when he's caught the scent of a frog or a dead bird. If only! By the time I rounded the motor he was already on top of it. Apparently Swarley is not the only one who enjoys the seclusion of that little nook. Damn kids! Although I suppose at least they were safe. Damn litterbugs. As soon as I saw what it was I yanked the leash up to get his nose off the ground, horribly frightened that his tongue, which he routinely utilizes in sneak attacks on my face, was about to contract gonoherpesyphilitis, but he was way ahead of me. Calmly turning on the spot, Swarlos casually crouched and unloaded right on top of that bad boy, and surely it was my imagination, but for once he didn't look ashamed. I'm pretty meticulous about cleaning up after my dog, I even buy biodegradable doggie bags so I can be kind to both the complex and the Earth, but I wasn't touching that one. If you want that pile off your grass, Camden, you clean it up.

Hypertension To The Max

I'm getting old for reals. I know 20-somethings incorrectly come to that realization all the time, but I have proof! My doctor is concerned about my blood pressure. I've had mildly high blood pressure for as long as I can remember getting physicals, but since I'm relatively young, relatively thin, and presumably relatively healthy, my doctors always shrugged it off as "nothing to be concerned about." Now, suddenly, New Guy is concerned? Son of a bitch probably just wants to push some lipitor on me. I've never seen any doctor so owned by pharmaceutical companies. All his walls are plastered in ads, and everything from his pens to his kleenex boxes are emblazoned with words like prolozidectophyl and viroxamilizene. Maybe I should just get another doctor. Maybe I should've thought of that before I went out and bought an $80 blood pressure monitor. At the very least I should've just put it on the registry. Anyway, I'm supposed to monitor myself for a month and if it is consistently high I suppose I'll be told to cut back on delicious food, or at least stop eating the fat ringing my nightly steak. Which reminds me, have you seen this? It's been declared the worst food in america by Men's Health:

Outback Steakhouse
Aussie-Tizers - Aussie Cheese Fries
Serving Size: 28 oz
Calories: 2900
Total Fat: 182 grams
Carbohydrates: 240 grams
Protein: 75 grams

Dude, Ball, remember when we used to routinely split one of those before each digging into our two loaves of buttery honey bread, loaded baked potato, three tall Fosters, and 14oz steak?* Sweet baby Jesus it's a wonder my blood vessels haven't exploded.

*You know, on our man dates? Also, remember that time we asked for Fosters but the waiter brought us Mich Ultra instead and neither of us noticed? And we agreed to never speak of it again? BONG!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??

I didn't get into OSU's Higher Ed Admin program! I know it sounds insufferably cocky but it had never really crossed my mind that I wouldn't. At first I was disappointed, but then I got angry. Don't they know who I am? I once chugged a beer filled with parmesan cheese! If you can't see how great that makes me, OSU Gods, well then I feel sorry for you. Can you hear me up there, sitting atop your giant floating buckeye? What's it going to take to impress you? Gorgonzola? Roquefort? I can't just go around swilling cheese laden beers until you make up your freaking minds, can't you understand that?? Whatever. That's the only program I applied to so I guess now I need to find a job, so if you're a potential employer you should definitely hire me.

Best and Worst

Gladiators:

Best:

Wolf: Wolf is easily the most awesome male gladiator because he is totally batshit insane. Not like, his character is insane, but the guy playing Wolf is actually insane. Look at his eyes, man, and his...weird grin, they say, you do not want to contemplate what I would do to you if we weren't surrounded by crowds and cameras. I don't think he actually thinks he's a wolf, but I think sometimes maybe he gets a little confused.

Honorable Mention:

Titan: Titan is so huge that they didn't even bother to give his character a personality. He's just an amiable fellow talking in a normal tone of voice. GLADIATORS READDYYYYY? Righty-o, refereeno! Let's get this show on the road, as they say!

Worst:

Toa: Toa sucks because he's the exact opposite of Wolf. Instead of actually being insane, he's pretty clearly just a regular fellow trying to play an insane guy. Oh look, he's crossing his eyes and sticking his tongue out! That's not intimidating. You suck.

Best:

Crush: Yes, Crush is the hot one, but that's not why. She's also far and away the happiest gladiator. Have you seen her after she knocks someone off the joust? She looks so genuinely pleased with herself--and not all smug like "yeah, I'm awesome" but more honestly and pleasantly surprised that she was able to pull off the victory. She sort of gives that surprised smile and then raises her arm like, me? I did it? I DID it!

Honorable Mention:

Siren: Siren's legs are freaking huge. When she crouches down in her ready position for the joust, her thigh muscles tense so much it looks like she's not only going to hulk out of her spandex, but maybe, horrifyingly, her skin. Plus she's not Venom.

Worst:

Hellga: God, I hate Venom. She was a shoe-in for the worst gladiator, but rage has driven me to give it to Hellga. She was my early favorite, but her repeated inability to beat anyone in anything has caused me to question the legitimacy of the games. The only good thing Hellga has ever done was get blasted into the water after sucking it up on Assault.

Contenstants:

Best:

Evan: Evan is driven completely by fear, and not ashamed to admit it. What makes you go so fast, Evan? I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what the large, angry men chasing me might do if they catch me. I contemplate the physical harm they may deliver upon me if I should slip. I think about my bones breaking under their iron grip and I cry...and then I win.

Worst:

Adam: I think this is the guy who got injured in like the first round on the first day. I don't even remember for sure. That's why he sucks.

Best:

Monica: Monica's got guns, she's not an idiot, and she appears to be genuinely enjoying the competition. After one round she did a wacky victory dance complete with those hooting sounds that are like "Oooo-ii, oooo-ii!" that should have filled me with white-hot rage, yet which I inexplicably found endearing. Maybe it's the guns.

Worst:

Venus: Hi, I'm Dr. Venus, and when I'm not spouting out stupid catch phrases, I'm at my doctor job doctoring, because I got my MD at doctor school where I learned to doctor it up, doctor style! DOCTOR!

Hosts:

Best:

The Hulkster: Hulk Hogan is the greatest host of anything ever. He says "brother" like all the time and he always turns the interviewee's name into some sort of ill-fitting segue. He's a gigantic man-beast who is just as likely to pile drive you into the floor as he is to congratulate you. Whatcha gonna do, brother, when the hulkamania runs wild on YOU?? I don't know but until then I'll be crying in the corner.

Worst:

Laila: I've got no ill will towards you. Still.

PS

Happy Valentine's Day

DO IT

Book your rooms, you lazy slackers, because the magical room block rate dissipates into the ether on February 15th.

Ye Olde Booking Site

I'm talking to you, LB and Nipples. I'm talking to you.

So Long, Loser!

Lost is back, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! And they brought back the sad music for Charlie! You know, it's like

♫ DOO, doo DOO, doo DOO doo DOO, dee doooo... ♫

No? I don't care.

I was happy to see that furry footed little son of a bitch get blown up/drowned, despite his last minute self sacrificing heroic hand-to-the-window blah blah blah blah. In fact, I haven't been quite so happy to see anyone get written off since Ana-Lucia, and that blonde chick who left the show to do The Fog before that. But man, that sad music is powerful. <DOO, doo DOO...> Maybe Charlie wasn't so bad, I thought. <doo DOO doo DOO> Sure he was a gigantic drug addled douchebag, but he really came through in the end! And by the time the <dee doooo...> came I was weeping into Lizett's bosoms. CHAAAARRRLIIIIIEEEEE!!!

But then when his ghost came back later in the show I shot the TV.