Hypertension To The Max

I'm getting old for reals. I know 20-somethings incorrectly come to that realization all the time, but I have proof! My doctor is concerned about my blood pressure. I've had mildly high blood pressure for as long as I can remember getting physicals, but since I'm relatively young, relatively thin, and presumably relatively healthy, my doctors always shrugged it off as "nothing to be concerned about." Now, suddenly, New Guy is concerned? Son of a bitch probably just wants to push some lipitor on me. I've never seen any doctor so owned by pharmaceutical companies. All his walls are plastered in ads, and everything from his pens to his kleenex boxes are emblazoned with words like prolozidectophyl and viroxamilizene. Maybe I should just get another doctor. Maybe I should've thought of that before I went out and bought an $80 blood pressure monitor. At the very least I should've just put it on the registry. Anyway, I'm supposed to monitor myself for a month and if it is consistently high I suppose I'll be told to cut back on delicious food, or at least stop eating the fat ringing my nightly steak. Which reminds me, have you seen this? It's been declared the worst food in america by Men's Health:

Outback Steakhouse
Aussie-Tizers - Aussie Cheese Fries
Serving Size: 28 oz
Calories: 2900
Total Fat: 182 grams
Carbohydrates: 240 grams
Protein: 75 grams

Dude, Ball, remember when we used to routinely split one of those before each digging into our two loaves of buttery honey bread, loaded baked potato, three tall Fosters, and 14oz steak?* Sweet baby Jesus it's a wonder my blood vessels haven't exploded.

*You know, on our man dates? Also, remember that time we asked for Fosters but the waiter brought us Mich Ultra instead and neither of us noticed? And we agreed to never speak of it again? BONG!