Best and Worst

Gladiators:

Best:

Wolf: Wolf is easily the most awesome male gladiator because he is totally batshit insane. Not like, his character is insane, but the guy playing Wolf is actually insane. Look at his eyes, man, and his...weird grin, they say, you do not want to contemplate what I would do to you if we weren't surrounded by crowds and cameras. I don't think he actually thinks he's a wolf, but I think sometimes maybe he gets a little confused.

Honorable Mention:

Titan: Titan is so huge that they didn't even bother to give his character a personality. He's just an amiable fellow talking in a normal tone of voice. GLADIATORS READDYYYYY? Righty-o, refereeno! Let's get this show on the road, as they say!

Worst:

Toa: Toa sucks because he's the exact opposite of Wolf. Instead of actually being insane, he's pretty clearly just a regular fellow trying to play an insane guy. Oh look, he's crossing his eyes and sticking his tongue out! That's not intimidating. You suck.

Best:

Crush: Yes, Crush is the hot one, but that's not why. She's also far and away the happiest gladiator. Have you seen her after she knocks someone off the joust? She looks so genuinely pleased with herself--and not all smug like "yeah, I'm awesome" but more honestly and pleasantly surprised that she was able to pull off the victory. She sort of gives that surprised smile and then raises her arm like, me? I did it? I DID it!

Honorable Mention:

Siren: Siren's legs are freaking huge. When she crouches down in her ready position for the joust, her thigh muscles tense so much it looks like she's not only going to hulk out of her spandex, but maybe, horrifyingly, her skin. Plus she's not Venom.

Worst:

Hellga: God, I hate Venom. She was a shoe-in for the worst gladiator, but rage has driven me to give it to Hellga. She was my early favorite, but her repeated inability to beat anyone in anything has caused me to question the legitimacy of the games. The only good thing Hellga has ever done was get blasted into the water after sucking it up on Assault.

Contenstants:

Best:

Evan: Evan is driven completely by fear, and not ashamed to admit it. What makes you go so fast, Evan? I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what the large, angry men chasing me might do if they catch me. I contemplate the physical harm they may deliver upon me if I should slip. I think about my bones breaking under their iron grip and I cry...and then I win.

Worst:

Adam: I think this is the guy who got injured in like the first round on the first day. I don't even remember for sure. That's why he sucks.

Best:

Monica: Monica's got guns, she's not an idiot, and she appears to be genuinely enjoying the competition. After one round she did a wacky victory dance complete with those hooting sounds that are like "Oooo-ii, oooo-ii!" that should have filled me with white-hot rage, yet which I inexplicably found endearing. Maybe it's the guns.

Worst:

Venus: Hi, I'm Dr. Venus, and when I'm not spouting out stupid catch phrases, I'm at my doctor job doctoring, because I got my MD at doctor school where I learned to doctor it up, doctor style! DOCTOR!

Hosts:

Best:

The Hulkster: Hulk Hogan is the greatest host of anything ever. He says "brother" like all the time and he always turns the interviewee's name into some sort of ill-fitting segue. He's a gigantic man-beast who is just as likely to pile drive you into the floor as he is to congratulate you. Whatcha gonna do, brother, when the hulkamania runs wild on YOU?? I don't know but until then I'll be crying in the corner.

Worst:

Laila: I've got no ill will towards you. Still.