Sweet Beards Part 8

Since I posted yesterday a couple people have notified me of how incredibly awesome it is that Flav's medallion is in fact a miniature Flav which is itself wearing a tiny little giant clock medallion. I don't know how I missed that--perhaps I was distracted by his hideous, hideous face--but that is probably the greatest thing I have EVER seen.

Speaking of awesome--imagine walking into your house after a long drive to find THIS hanging on your refrigerator:

Well I don't have to imagine! I lived it, baby! It is worth noting that my awesome facial hair was actually digitally inserted. That's right, I never really had a Rasputin beard. Strange but true! It is also worth noting that Chin Puffs is probably that worst moniker ever.

I thought I had reached the end of bizarre but awesome graphics, but imagine my surprise when I unpacked upon returning to the Bend to discover this in the bottom of my bag:

Awesome, you say? Indeed...but what makes it really awesome is that the featured pirate is none other than my brother, a man known to many of you only as fatmouse. How awesome is that t-shirt? Surrender the Booty, arrrrrrrrr! In fact, I recommend you download the design and make one yourself. You can find it at schreiber.tv in a photo album called, inexplicably, Chuck Norris Beard Rub.

Lizett is coming in tomorrow for the weekend, and in honor of the occasion I'm taking tomorrow afternoon and Friday off. I don't know what we'll be doing yet, but I'm 99% sure it will involve a golf cart and some sort of devious plan doomed to failure. Anyway, the point is I now officially have less than one full day of work remaining in the week, which pretty much has me bursting with happiness. I'm dancing right here in my chair. I wish you could see it. It's beautiful.

First B-Day

I went back to Columbus this weekend for my niece's first birthday. SO CUTE. But I'll get to that...on the drive home, I finally listened to some Dane Cook--Good God, how have I never heard this guy before? All he talks about is wrecking people and punching things in the face!! You are my comedy god.

The party was quite an affair. Balloons, cake, pizza, the whole deal. People were taking their shirts off, smearing cake all over their faces, literally crawling around on the floor, it was nuts.

As promised, please enjoy these face-implodingly adorable pictures of my niece--1 year old! The last spread caused several cuteness related organ failures, so this time around I thought I'd break it up a little with, oh, the most hideous things I can think of. Cleanse the pallet, if you will.

To begin, I bring you the pure unadulterated horror that is...Flava Flav:

And then BAM! My adorable little niece:

Me and Rooster circa 2002:

And SHAZAM! My adorable little niece:

The world's ugliest dog next to a baboon's ass:

BOOYA! My adorable little niece:

And finally, may God have mercy on your souls, I present...Jennifer Coolidge:

And sweet, sweet, blessed relief--my adorable little niece!

That is some cute baby. Stay classy, jerkwads.

I Will Kill You, Goat

That's right, instead of just not participating, I am opting to kill you.

Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Course Technology Specialist - University of Notre Dame
2. Computer Cluster Overlord - NDOIT
3. YMCA Towel Passer Outer - YMCA
4. Cobbler

Four movies I could watch over and over:

1. Surf Ninjas
2. Surf Ninjas
3. Surf Ninjas
4. Necessary Roughness

Five places I have lived:

1. Columbus, OH
2. South Bend, IN
3. 3B
4. TC
5. Up Your Face

Five TV shows I love to watch:

1. The A-Team
2. Total Gym Infomercials
3. Futurama
4. Scrubs
5. Surf Ninjas

Four websites I visit daily:

1. fark.com
2. msnbc.com
3. ndstitch.blogspot.com
4. imdb.com

Five places I have been on vacation:

1. Scandinavia (Sweden, Norway, Denmark)
2. Pawley's Island, SC (pre-Hurricae Hugo)
3. Jekyll Island, GA
4. Sanibel Island, FL
5. Denver, CO

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Delicious pizza
2. Delicious tacos
3. Delicious steak
4. Delicious pie

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Ahorse
2. South
3. Outback Steak House
4. Watching Surf Ninjas

Four friends I am tagging:

1. Jism
2. Guess you'll
3. have to
4. start a blog

Happy 1st Birthday, Gwen!

My little niece turns 1 today!

Newborn


2 Months


4 Months


6 Months


8 Months


10 Months

1 year pic to follow after her birthday party this weekend!

Clubbing Seals

Haha, wrecked. Some US family wrote a letter to a Canadian senator condemning their government approved "horrific mass slaughter of innocent harp seals" and received a response condemning our government approved horrific mass slaughter of innocent Iraqis ... OHHHHHHHHH!! How does that taste, well-meaning environmentalists!? Is it syrupy and delicious? You've been zinged by a Canadian! Enjoy your seppuku.

If Chuck Norris Laughs While Drinking Milk, He Accidentally Shits A Cow

This has been an eventful week, marked most notably by the inaugural practice of the official Registrar's Office bookstore team: Academic Smack. The name is derived from the fact that we talk a lot of shit and there's nothing you can do about it because we control your grades. My suggestion was The Harold Pace All-Stars Featuring Samuel L. Jackson and the SuperMegaTerrificHappyPartyFun Shooters of Justice, but I was unfortunately vetoed by a punch in the sternum. As I recall, the last time I played in Bookstore, my sole contribution was helping to boost Barry up to dunk, where he picturesquely grabbed the rim and was promptly depantsed by the opposing team. This is going to be awesome.

Since it is Spring Break and all the students are gone, I decided it was finally time for my triumphant return to Rolfs. I thought, hey, it's only been 5 months, I'm sure I'm still in pretty decent shape! What a terrible, terrible mistake. I went on Monday for chest/tris and a quick mile run, and am just now recovered to the point where I can put my jacket on in less than 15 minutes. I had to stuff about 200 envelopes Tuesday morning and it was pretty much the worst thing ever. You would not think stuffing 200 envelopes without being able to bend your elbows would be that hard, but it is. Or maybe you would think that. It's pretty obvious. The point is, who cares.

Apparently there is some St. Patty's Day shindiggery in glorious downtown South Bend this weekend, so I might head out for some of that revelry this evening. Or I might get a case of Guinness and sit down to some Boondock Saints--WHICH IS AWESOME--instead. We'll see.

Rising...RISING...

Yesterday it was sunny and 60 in the Bend. Today: sub-freezing temperatures with a side of soul-penetrating wind. I had to brush snow off my windshield this morning! It was 60 yesterday! Where am I!?

Speaking of murderous rage--I actually witnessed some this weekend. My roommate and I frequently joke that the restaurant below our place must be a crack house, on account of the fact that it has somehow stayed open for years and years, yet we've never seen anyone eating there. So at first when I saw a group of gentlemen eating on the patio table in the parking lot I thought, hey, they do sell food there! That's a relief! Then...the gentlemen started arguing about something. Then one of the gentlemen got up, went behind the restaurant, and came running back out with an axe. An axe. Needless to say the other guy ran like hell. Can you even imagine someone actually coming at you with an axe? I saw it and I can't wrap my mind around it. What was an axe even doing behind the restaurant? Where do I live!? Finally his friends tackled him and took the weapon but...I think I'm going to give that place an even wider berth than usual for a while.

Item #2 I never thought I'd witness in real life--a flying knee-drop to the junk. We were watching Shrek 2 after a lovely meal at Hacienda when, without warning, Jani got up off the couch, made some primal "EEEEEEEEEEE!" noise, jumped into the air, and dropped knee first into Ball's crotch. I swear to God I am not making this up, nor am I omitting any context. There was no context. It was wholly without warning--one second we were watching a movie, the next Ball was rocking back and forth, whimpering softly. And I'm not mocking Ball here, it's a testament to his manliness that he didn't out and out cry. I mean, a knee-drop to the junk! I'd rather face the guy with the axe.

I'm deeply conflicted about this event. On the one hand--hahahahahahaha!! On the other hand--I mean, it's like hitting someone in the face with a 2x4. It's hilarious if you're David Spade cracking one across Chris Farley's temple, but in real life it's just kind of...tragic and terrible. I will file it away for future use, when the wounds heal and Ball learns to laugh again.

Really Explore The Space

Frea. King. Sweet. Finally, someone has come up with a good use for the internet.

I got hit in the face with a tube of beef flavored toothpaste this weekend. What are the chances that something like that would ever happen to me in my life? Some other chump gets his one-in-a-million moment and wins the lottery or meets Christopher Walken; I get nailed with unlikely toothpaste. I will assume Jani's aim is just very bad, because if it's very good I'm going to have to punch her in the ovaries.

The weekend was pretty standard fare, Fiddlers Friday, game night Saturday. We went to Olive Garden before heading over to University Park Saturday night--the server brought out the entrees and asked if we'd like grated cheese, and Kel said a little. The waitress gave her a very little, so I asked for a lot. I realize I frequently abuse hyperbole well past the point of reason, but I shit you not when I say she proceeded to grate the entire freaking block onto my meal. It took like 20-25 seconds. I sat there helpless, staring in horror, assuming each second would be the one she'd finally stop. When she ran out she said something like "Oops! Guess that'll have to do!" and skipped off whistling a merry tune, clearly well pleased at the destruction she'd literally rained down upon my once proud Fettuccini. The final product, I admit, was breathtaking. It was by far the largest pile of cheese I have ever seen, completely burying all traces of my meal--and I once ordered a big heaping plate of cheese at Chilis! Sadly I am not making that up. This whole paragraph is absurd.

Sunday was uber-productive day. Cleaned my car interior, bathroom, bedroom, got caught up on weeks of shopping, and made it through nearly an hour of the Oscars before dozing off for the night. Jon Stewart, I like you but you were very meh.

Return To Glory

Woo-hoo! If there's one thing you can trust absolutely, it's a gossip site referencing slightly conflicting reports from a shady news source and some blog you've never heard of. The deal is as good as done, I tell you! And about me being on the Defamer...I uh, meant to click the link for Hot Chicks Making You Sandwiches in Awesome Cars, or something. I don't know what happened.