Birthday

Happy birthday to Lizett yesterday. We enjoyed a fine family dinner and the girls came over to help decorate the cake. Claire inexplicably started weeping when we sang happy birthday--perhaps because, having grown unaccustomed to the ritual in the past several years, we sang in creepy, emotionless chorus, like zombies creeping forward to devour the birthday girl as the camera fades out. Then in an act of x-treme romance and sweep-her-off-her-feetery I gave Lizett a treadmill. I'm pretty sure she liked it, although I did hear her on the phone laughing in spanish--it's like her english laugh but to the tune of La Cucaracha--about the "idiota marido y su tapiz rodante no romántico".

So now we have a big sexy treadmill in the bonus room, and man was it a son of a bitch getting it up there. I had this absurd fantasy of having it all set up for her when she got home, but I couldn't even get it out of the van, and Dan, Lizett and I combined only got it halfway to the front door. In the end we called Todd over to help, standing in the cold waiting for 20 minutes before realizing a) we could have waited inside and b) we could have just opened the box and carried the pieces upstairs individually.

Suckaaaaaaaas!

A Very Special Weekend Visit

The weekend visit was a smashing success--they shopped, I played video games, we all stuffed ourselves. Then Oscar got an erection, and it FREAKED HIM THE HELL OUT. One minute he was snoozing peacefully, the next he was up, bucking as he hunched half-over in pooping position, his back legs pinning a frantically wagging tail, his front legs rotating wildly on their vertical axis as if he could no longer bend his knees. He scrambled around the room trying to find a crotch to bury his face in, a 120lb beast twirling in a disoriented terror. We didn't know what to make of it at the time, it looked more like a seizure than the aftermath of a sexy dream. My mom had apparently observed this behavior before though, and she ushered him out of the room, pretending she didn't know what to make of it either. I guess she didn't want to tell Lizett's mom "it's okay, he's just scared of his penis."

Thinking about it now from his perspective--the poor guy just didn't understand what was happening. How would you feel if a big slimy tentacle spontaneously popped out of your belly button? HMMMMMMMM?? I'm not ashamed to admit I would crouch over as if to poop, lock my knees, and rotate my legs wildly as I danced around the room seeking the safety of a warm crotch. Don't act like you wouldn't.

Best Summary Photo Ever

Well played, MSNBC, nothing says ISPs are pressed to become child porn cops like a giant trying to lure Mike Hammer into a steel cage with a 4 foot tall computer.

You Spoony Bard!

Change of plans, in tribute to some rando nerd calling some other rando nerd a spoony bard on a message board I visited a few days or weeks ago, I'll be abandoning my previously booked Zelda playing this weekend in favor of an all-out knockout no-blinking dew-drinking volume-blaring no-pants-wearing socially-withdrawn Final-Fantasy-2-marathon! Before you call me a nerd, ask yourself, could a nerd bust rhymes like that? Anyway, if I'm such a nerd, why are you looking at ASCII porn on your TI-85, wondering if boobs are that awesome in real life? WHAT!

ND

It took me a while to notice this bad boy was broken, and then I didn't feel like fixing it, but I've finally had a big enough lull at work to spruce the place up a bit with delicious bacon and speech bubbles coming out of Fry's hair. Now I wait for the kudos to come rolling in. Give me your kudos. Your kudos...give them to me.

Went to ND last weekend. Ate sausage. Vnak flashed the crotch bling. I screamed like a woman. Congratulations were to be given to various people for various things, not the least of which being the Mothball/Erica & Merellowicz engagements. Huzzah! Wee Julia Falto's stomach, midway through pregnancy, is about the same size as mine. Goat grew a beard! A big, voluptuous beard. We stayed at Merten's place despite having not talked to him since...2005? GO TEAM MONORAIL! Stitch squawked like a chicken when he saw us. I swear to god.

This weekend Lizett's Mami comes for her first Columbus visit. There is going to be a lot of hugging going on, and the Schreiber household doesn't see much hugging. Say for instance, I'm heading out of town for a few weeks or months. Before I go, everyone meanders to the door, someone says "...ALL-right! See you later," and maybe I honk the horn as I peel off. At Lizett's place, you hug and kiss goodbye if you're going to the store. If you're leaving for a longer period of time, there's this whole ritual where you hug goodbye wherever you are, then you all wander to the kitchen and hug and kiss goodbye, then everyone comes out to the car and you hug and kiss goodbye again, then as you pull away you roll down the window and reach longingly outward as if to say "EEERRMM!" Then I'm assuming after you leave everyone back at the house enjoys a nice long group hug. So if you were wondering where Lizett gets it from, it's genetic. Anyway, the weekend should be positively packed with mother/daughter alone time, so I intend to take advantage of the opportunity to play some Zelda.