My Eyes! The Goggles Do Nothing!

I have extremely sensitive eyes. That's why you'll regularly see me walking around in sunglasses at dusk on a cloudy day in the middle of winter--I can't stand being outside without them. Plus, in concert with my dress coat and the fact that I am a muscular black man, they make me look like Blade. Aaaanyway, it's not a real problem as long as I have my shades, except when I go to the eye doctor. Somehow my eyes know that a crap-load of bright light is coming, because they start watering before the exam even begins, and they don't stop until I'm driving home. During the exam I also lose all voluntary control of my facial muscles, and my eyes automatically squeeze shut every time the doctor either shines a light in them or places anything near them--as a result, he has to physically hold my eyes open, and the proximity of his fingers causes them to start spewing tears like a freshman spews natty. It's not painful, but it is definitely not awesome, and it apparently makes examining my eyes very difficult because my appointments always take forever. Obviously I do not enjoy going to the eye doctor. The doctors love it though.

It turns out there is nothing more hilarious to an eye doctor than some chump with really sensitive eyes. I am routinely told through their brazen laughter that I am the most sensitive patient they've ever had. They say "Ha ha! Boy, those things are really watering!" at least 5 times an appointment. And I say "Ha ha! They sure are!" secretly wanting to hit them in the crotch with a croquet mallet. So anyway, the moral of the story is, I had an eye appointment this morning, and it was totally awesome, can't wait to go back.

Happy fun times with Kimlinger and Hesler this weekend. I ask you, is there anything better than sitting down with alumni to a thick tasty CJs burger and an icy cold AmberBock? Huh? ANSWER ME!! Friday night we went to Coach's where I downed a solid half a beer--let me tell you, I was wiggity-wasted. Also, when Ball chugged the remainder before we left, I did not feel any shame at all. However, after a dangerously large dinner at Outback, I thought it may be prudent to avoid forcing things into my stomach until I vomited, so I stand by my decision.

Hey, so no more Arrested Development, Simpsons, or Family Guy until baseball is over! Totally awesome! I love baseball! But I hate baseball cards. Ha! That's the second time I've used that today. In other news, I do not really love baseball, and have never been more murderously enraged in my life.