Kelly

So lately Kel has been complaining (or "bitching") that I don't write enough about her in this bad motorscooter. She's really quite demanding, and her bitching (or "complaining") is a powerful force to behold. Also, since my reading audience is comprised of about 96% Kel (measured in body mass), I might as well give the people what they want. So here it is--everything you always wanted to know about Kel, but were afraid to ask.

1) Kel is an eating machine. She is like a manatee, spending 95% of her waking hours in the pursuit and consumption of food. You may have wondered why virtually all of my many nicknames for her are synonyms of the word "fat"--it's because by all reasonable accounts, she should be 800,000 pounds. All my disposable income is allocated to her belly. Every meal ends with the words "Ohhhhhhhhh...I aaaaate too much again. Oh God, I can't move...please roll me onto the couch." Then we go get ice cream. One time she was marooned on this island, and she crawled down into a hatch and this gun-toting Irishman locked her in a food locker, and instead of trying to escape she just started stuffing her face with chocolate bars. I'm pretty sure that was her.

2) Kel talks ALL THE TIME. You don't believe me. I know. The Kel you know communicates entirely through sporadic nervous laughter. Rest assured she has plenty to say--mostly about what she's eaten or plans to eat that day--she's just saving it all up for me. I say the words "Uh-huh" and "Mmhmm" a combined 768,987 times a day. There is no need for anything else in my vocabulary.

3) Kel loves it when the names of things appear in other things. If you have the same name as someone on a TV show, you'd best prepare yourself for a freak-out. If she sees swedish meatballs in the grocery store, she will immediately shout "Stephen, look! Swedish meatballs! You're Swedish!" God help you if you're driving through Alabama and Lynyrd Skynyrd comes on.

4) Kel is both obsessed with and desperately frightened of ghosts. She'll watch every "Haunted Hotel" documentary on the travel channel, but cannot make it all the way through the commercial for The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

5) Kel spent several years as a hobo. Before coming to ND, Kel spent her days riding the rails, wearing shabby clothing and trading tall tales for hot meals. Back then she was known as Texas Jack, and had male genitalia.