Four "Beers"

I recently switched over to non-alcoholic beer because I kept punching cops and I have no desire to find out the hard way that I'm too pretty for jail. Which reminds me, the first time I ever visited Lizett we were strolling down 6th Street and this drunk idiot was brawling it up with like 8 or 9 cops. It was surreal. There was no crowd gathering, just people going about their business as some chump got destroyed in the middle of the street. How wasted do you have to be to think it's a good idea to fight off 8 or 9 cops all by your lonesome? Anyway, I've been sampling non-alcoholic alternatives to my favorite frosty brews--here are my findings:

Kaliber

From the makers of Guinness. The lice hate the sugar--it's delicious. I wish it were winter so I could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it...and melt it in the springtime and drink it! I could switch to this exclusively. It goes down ridiculously smooth, with a light, malty/coffee aftertaste, kind of like a cross between BrewCo Founder's Stout and Belhaven St. Andrew's Ale, which Me-aficionados may recognize as my favorite brew of all time. In fact, it's kind of like a bad St. Andrew's clone, which is like saying some chick looks kind of like Salma Hayek. Not the real thing, but she's still way hotter than everyone else around.

Coors

Coors Light has been my standby beer since that fateful day we first brought Frosty into our lives. Sure, there was idle talk of somehow locating a keg of Highlife and popping it in for old times sake, but every time we went to Belmont somehow we'd come home with our standard. From the pitchers at Senior Bar/Coaches to the Big Dawgs at Chili's to Thursday night Corby's, I have railed against mainstream opinion that Coors Light is only slightly better than juice squeezed from a can of sixty year old cat food and left to fester 6 hours in the sun, and I'm proud to say that Coors Non-Alcoholic does not disappoint. It has a stronger flavor than Coors light (similar to Budweiser), with a slightly less pleasant aftertaste (similar to Miller Lite), but overall I could drink it every day with no complaints. I have a new bulk beer.

Beck's

This is where things start to get a little ugly. I believe I've had Beck's standard, but I'm not really familiar enough with it to remember if I particularly liked it. The non-alcoholic version is still drinkable, but it's more of a I'll Finish These Off Because There's Five Left In The Fridge situation than anything else. Going down it just tastes like a moderate german beer, which is to say more "beery" than any mainstream domestics--and that's a plus--but then the aftertaste can only be described as swampy. Like you just licked a frog or something. I have never licked a frog myself, but if I did and it tasted like the trail-end of Beck's Non-Alcoholic, I would not even be mildly surprised. Then I would vomit.

O'Douls

It is a complete mystery to me how this became the only non-alcoholic beer widely available in restaurants. There is simply no excuse for this to enjoy the popularity that it does. It's like a weak version of Natty Light. Going down it's just carbonated water, with a light LIGHT LIGHT beer aftertaste on the trail end. I have recently learned of the existence of O'Douls Amber, so I'll give that a shot before forever damning the brewer to hell for forcing me to drink this flavorless abomination in popular chain restaurants, but my hopes are not high. Why order it all all? No other options--and there really is nothing like a tall beer with your steak. And I eat a lot of steak.