Bandidas

It was with high hopes and erect nipples that I sat down with Lizett to watch Bandidas. Just look at this DVD cover:

Can you fathom a world, based on the available information, in which this is not going to be a mind-blowing experience? Salma Hayek...and Penélope Cruz...as turn-of-the-century Mexican bank robbers.

Their entire function in the movie is to be hot, have hilariously thick accents, and whoop ass--which they did. And I'm no Steve Zahn expert, but based on Sahara and Saving Silverman alone I must conclude that the man is hilarious, and he did just fine too. The main villain was was none other than Dwight Yoakam, who in addition to being a graduate of my own alma mater, Northland High School, had a SWEET villain moustache which on its own merit should have made the movie. And finally, it had a horse climbing a ladder.

It sucked though. It sucked more than 1,000 Dysons running over 1,000 lint covered oriental rugs at 15,000 feet when there is a sudden loss of cabin pressure and everything is sucked out of the plane. And not like Walking Tall 2 sucked. I enjoy a bad movie as much as anyone, probably much more. I love to mock their sucktitude. I've seen Wing Commander 4 times! But with Bandidas, there was simply nothing to mock. None of the characters were in any way believable as human beings. They were pod people, and I hate them.

You had everything, Joachim Roenning, and you threw it all away. God save you if your junk ever comes within range of my foot.