A Whole MESS of CAPILATIZED WORDS!
Dude, it was awesome. REAL awesome. Not in that Wow, That Was Way Better Than I Expected way--it was awesome in EXACTLY the way I knew only a Kevin Sorbo direct-to-DVD remake sequel could be.
So this gang of tattooed street toughs is slowly buying up all the property in a small southern town at prices so low they're insane-ane-ane by intimidating the local business owners into selling via such methods as blowing them up with gasoline tankers. BAJOOOM! Someone has to Do Something, and that someone is Kevin Sorbo's dad, a local sheriff with a heart of gold, nads of steal, and jowls of a St. Bernard. He is killed in short order.
Enter KEVIN FREAKING SORBO. It's time for payback! It's time for justice! It's time to WALK TALL. No wait. Kevin Sorbo has decided to run. Justice is unattainable. The system is broken. The town is lost. Kevin Sorbo is a pansy who tells his mother their home is not worth dying for.
In the next scene, Kevin Sorbo is in a bar, and one of the street toughs refuses to pay for his beers. This is the LAST STRAW. You destroyed my hometown, and I fled. You killed my dad, and I looked the other way. But with God as my witness you will pay for those Budweisers! Kevin Freaking Sorbo DESTROYS these guys, along with a large portion of the bar. His change of heart is never explained. Presumably they cut that scene out to pare the film down to it's 88 minute run time.
Some stuff happens. The street toughs wreck people, and Kevin Sorbo tries to rally the townsfolk. Nothing doing. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself, so Kevin FREAKING Sorbo, I swear to God, jumps on a HORSE and rides to the outlaws hideout like "I'm HERCULES, bitch!" for the Final Showdown. As he rides off, his attractive female FBI agent buddy, who has no function in the movie whatsoever, shouts "Don't do this! You're a cop!", which is OUTSTANDING because Kevin Sorbo's character is not a cop. I have no idea how this made it past editing. Anyway, Kevin Sorbo stalks around the dimly lit complex while his horse manages to provide key distractions by creepily scampering past the bad guys a la the ventilation scene in Aliens, and then he shoots everyone.
Or DOES he?
So this gang of tattooed street toughs is slowly buying up all the property in a small southern town at prices so low they're insane-ane-ane by intimidating the local business owners into selling via such methods as blowing them up with gasoline tankers. BAJOOOM! Someone has to Do Something, and that someone is Kevin Sorbo's dad, a local sheriff with a heart of gold, nads of steal, and jowls of a St. Bernard. He is killed in short order.
Enter KEVIN FREAKING SORBO. It's time for payback! It's time for justice! It's time to WALK TALL. No wait. Kevin Sorbo has decided to run. Justice is unattainable. The system is broken. The town is lost. Kevin Sorbo is a pansy who tells his mother their home is not worth dying for.
In the next scene, Kevin Sorbo is in a bar, and one of the street toughs refuses to pay for his beers. This is the LAST STRAW. You destroyed my hometown, and I fled. You killed my dad, and I looked the other way. But with God as my witness you will pay for those Budweisers! Kevin Freaking Sorbo DESTROYS these guys, along with a large portion of the bar. His change of heart is never explained. Presumably they cut that scene out to pare the film down to it's 88 minute run time.
Some stuff happens. The street toughs wreck people, and Kevin Sorbo tries to rally the townsfolk. Nothing doing. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself, so Kevin FREAKING Sorbo, I swear to God, jumps on a HORSE and rides to the outlaws hideout like "I'm HERCULES, bitch!" for the Final Showdown. As he rides off, his attractive female FBI agent buddy, who has no function in the movie whatsoever, shouts "Don't do this! You're a cop!", which is OUTSTANDING because Kevin Sorbo's character is not a cop. I have no idea how this made it past editing. Anyway, Kevin Sorbo stalks around the dimly lit complex while his horse manages to provide key distractions by creepily scampering past the bad guys a la the ventilation scene in Aliens, and then he shoots everyone.
Or DOES he?
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That hurts here...and here. You know where I'm pointing. Hello, Georgia?
1:06 PM, May 16, 2007
1:10 PM, May 16, 2007
1:17 PM, May 16, 2007
3:23 PM, May 16, 2007
1:31 PM, May 24, 2007
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