Pirates 2: Kiera Knightley Becomes A Huge Freaking Bitch

Back in the Bend once again, and ready to rumble with my 3 day work week. I'm halfway through hump day, it's almost the weekend already! I've been off in San Antonio enjoying the sun and heat and no cable or internet of Lizett's new digs since Friday, and brother, I have some tales to tell. Nah, I don't really. I do have some Mysterious Bruises however, as I always seem to after any combination of travel and drink. A big fatty on my right man-boobie, a nice donut shaped one on the back of my leg, and a lovely matching pair on my neck and shoulders. I know what you're thinking: Lizett beats me. And you're absolutely right, she DOES beat me, but what you're not taking into account is her weak womanly arms, which are far too pansy and frail to leave marks. No my friends, I'm not going to tell you exactly how I did get these, that's what makes them Mysterious. I'm not even sure myself. What I do know is that I did not get my ass whooped by a bouncer, nor was I forcibly removed from his downtown bar by my neck. And I'm CERTAINLY not saying this non-scenario played out in front of my girlfriend, oh my no, that would be just a little too embarrassing, wouldn't it? I'm just saying, were that wild little fabrication to have occurred, well then, it would certainly be a reasonable explanation for the savage ass-whooping one would have to conclude I received upon any kind of cursory visual examination of my bruised and battered body. It didn't though.

Other than that, good weekend. We launched directly into Standard Friday Night Arrival Procedure as soon as my flight got in, which is to drive home, pop some beers, and watch TV until we both fall asleep. It's like our version of slow-motion running through a field into each other's arms, but with more belching. Saturday was pretty action packed, once we both finally managed to wake up, which was sometime in the early afternoon. We headed to this new shopping/entertainment area called The Quarry which was pretty nice. We actually ended up going there three days in a row thanks to their plethora of fine dining establishments. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Trust me, you're going to want to savor each one of these super awesome and fascinating details of our Day At The Shopping Center. We ate, blah blah this, shopped, blah blah that, I had my first visit to the World Food Market, which smells very organic-y I must say, and a-blahbity-blah blah. On to Pirates! We went to see it early that evening, and I must say I'm deeply conflicted. I had been quite looking forward to it, and I think I actually enjoyed it while I was watching it, but then afterward I was just like good GOD that was long! Why were they ever on that cannibal island? That was like 16 hours ago! Was it really necessary? And the story left a wee bit to be desired as well, at least compared to the first. I don't want to ruin anything, but everything you need to know can be summed up in a single question Lizett posed directly after the movie: "How come every time special effects guys dream up a horrible monster, it looks like some sort of gigantic toothed vagina?" The answer, of course, is that I didn't think it looked like a vagina at all, you sicko. Also, my mom reads this. Enjoy.

So, Pirates was a little disappointing, but I guess overall I did like it. After that, we headed downtown to stroll the riverwalk. I enjoy the riverwalk quite a bit. Lots of people, lots of restaurants, a river of course, live entertainment if one is interested in such things, and it gets lit up pretty nice at night. We ate dinner at some delicious steak place of awesomeness, not one of those where you get a steak and slather it in sauce to eat with your tall beer and enormous potato, but one of those places where you eat your steak with wine and they look at you like you're throttling a child if you even think the words A1 sauce. It was both delicious and awesome. After that we strolled around some more and finally ended up at this bar called Pat O'Brien's, apparently famous for their Hurricanes, which I must say were quite delicious. Wow, I'm really using "I must say" a lot. What's going on with that? And FINE, it did look like a vagina, okay? GOSH! Anyway, we sat at a table next to Hottie VonUberCurves and her date Sloppy Mc...well, it would be less than polite to describe him, but suffice it to say you do not normally see a woman like HER with a guy like HIM. I inclined my head to communicate this fact to Lizett, and she immediately launched into something about seeing beneath the surface and not being superficial and whatnot, which made me feel pretty bad about what I was about to say, which was "c-note says she's an escort." Ha ha ha, I'm a jerk. Although in my defense, she was wearing a transparent blouse over a black bra, so I'm pretty sure I was right.

Hmmmm, there were more adventures to be had Sunday and Monday, but this is getting mighty long. Sunday we did some stuff, Monday I exploded a Heineken everywhere, and Tuesday I flew home, le end.

One more note if you enjoy wreckings and/or baby stories, I just got this bad boy from my brother:

Quick story Laura just told us about Natalie. She and Natalie were over at Lisa's mom's house today so Laura could pick up some school material. Laura was looking through a stack of papers and heard her keys jingling. Then she heard the quick "thump thump thump thump" of Natalie running in a cadance that Laura refers to as "the Devil's Feet", which is how Natalie runs when she wants to do something and knows you're going to try to stop her. Laura got up, ran after her, and caught up with Natalie just in time to see her flushing the toilet. Bye bye keys.

My God, my niece is an evil genius.