Seppuku II

As I am typing, Lizett is somewhere in Houston with a scalpel down her throat, getting her tonsils out. You'd think this story would be about concern for her, but you'd be a fool. I guess the recovery is pretty asstacular, so I sent her a heartfelt ERRRRMMM-inducing card and some goodies to pass the time once the liquid vicodin runs out. Now you'd think this story is about how awesome I am, but again--fool. See, I attached little post-it messages to each item to illustrate how witty and clever I am, assuming they would be viewed by Lizett and summarily destroyed--not that they were wildly inappropriate or anything, but they were clearly rated R for Adult Themes, Strong Language, and References To Smelly Pirate Hookers. They were not intended for Lizett's mother, who somehow managed to view them. And by somehow I mean, Lizett showed them to her. Thanks, Lizett. One of them contained--get ready--The F-Word. I am mortified. MORTIFIED. I do not typically use The F-Word. You could not make me say The F-Word in front of Lizett's mother if you had my nuts in a vise grip, and now I've managed to do so before actually meeting her. Ha ha ha! I laugh so I don't cry.

In other news, Jim Caviezel was in the office to sign up for some classes. I didn't recognize either his name or his face. Afterward everyone told me he's That Guy Who Played Jesus. I was unimpressed. Then Jan told me he was also the Count of Monte Cristo. THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO!? The Count of Monte-Freaking-Cristo was in my office?? Did anyone SEE how much ass he whooped in that movie? I feel like my badassery has been increased a hundredfold just by being in the same room with him. I wanted to deliver some terrible wrong upon him just to see what sort of elaborate revenge he would exact upon me. The Count of Montre Cristo. THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO, BABY!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

I am out of here bright and early tomorrow for some sweet, sweet family/baby action. It will be awesome like that time I met the Count of Monte Cristo.