This Day In History: 1999

Or maybe some other day. I don't know. LB and I decided to answer the age old question--can you send a condom through ND campus mail? The short and surprising answer is: yes indeedy. Mail services must've been in quite a quandary when they received a single condom with "105 O'Neill Hall" written along the edge of the packaging. On the one hand, they had an obligation as faithful Notre Dame employees to stamp out all possibility of sexual congress among the student body, yet as postal employees they had a sacred duty to deliver properly marked packages in spite of rain, sleet, snow, hail, or silly religious beliefs. We received the condom several days later, presumably after several hilarious meetings between the upper echelons of the ND mail administration, and drunk on our success we sent out a flurry of prophylactic parcels to our various on-campus buddies, none of whom were nearly so amused as we were. That happened a lot, I think. We also sent the dismantled pieces of the scrotal remote (a remote, but with a scrotum) to several equally unamused recipients. You chumps just don't understand comedy.

Speaking of scrotums--here's a piece from the "Why Didn't I Think of That?" file--Man's Testicles Locked In Padlock. Apparently some unlucky fellow got wasted and passed out, and one of his buddies decided to seize the opportunity to secure his testes in a padlock. I remember one time my 5th year when an odd assortment of us--I vaguely remember Erica, Shannon, Booter, Ben, Stitch, Ball, and maybe some others--got completely and utterly blitzed for some reason or another. Must've been a Tuesday or something. Everyone crashed at our place, and Booter notably passed out sitting up, and awoke, bizarrely, with exactly half of his body soaking wet. Maybe he tried to drink water in the dead of night, maybe someone hosed him down. Nobody knows. The point is--that would have been a perfect opportunity to secure his testicles in a padlock! Back to the dude who this actually happened to--it seems the key broke off in the lock, and instead of going to the hospital he tried to remove the lock with a hacksaw. I don't know why I put that in italics, it's not that weird. I take a hacksaw to my gonads on a daily basis. Wakes me up in the morning.