Long and Boring, Enjoy Losers!
Band Reunion Weekend is kind of a blur. Some stuff happened and then some other stuff happened, Corby's Corby's Corby's, crotch bling. Let's see if I can sort it out.
Thursday after work was JISM Church meeting numero uno with Ball, LB, Jism, and Megs, who I hadn't seen in quite some time, so that was nice. It was kind of embarrassing because I took the whole church theme too far and showed up in a hooded robe expecting a Big Laugh, but instead they all just stripped me naked and smeared salty popcorn in my eyes. The burgers were fantastic though, the beer was cold, and I made it a point to engage heartily in the consumption of onion rings in anticipation of another Big Laugh after the hello kiss at the airport. Classic me! Lizett loved it, and did not strike me or anything.
After I picked her up we headed back to Corby's where Lizett established an unbreakable lifelong friendship with my former BFF whatshername. Fortunately the Box was there, so we reminisced about all the horrible, horrible things I used to do to him. It brought a tear to my eye--that or the leftover salt. It was standard Corby's, ton of pitchers, inappropriate touching, Rocky humped my back, Lizett verbally assaulted him, I was forever emasculated, and, of course, Ball got wasted. I don't think we stayed out too too late, although God knows. I do know that whenever we got home, we proceeded directly upstairs to jump up and down on the bed until Ball started crying. I know you think that is some sort of ultra-clever and unbreakable code, but no, we really did jump on and down on the bed. We hit each other with pillows. I borrowed a bra.
Friday...some stuff happened. Breakfast, maybe? I don't know. Eventually we headed over to Legends to meet up with a whole mess of folk. These things are good, because you see all the people you knew and liked but don't really keep up with, but then there's so many other people that you don't have to keep talking to them...as soon as there's a lull--whoops! There's so-and-so! See you in three years. Don't call me. I did get to see Mama Tone, which was pretty fantastic. She's good, loving life, doing right, earning every breath she takes. I was listening to Bubba Sparxxx on the way home, so what? So we did that, and practice, and headed back to Legends for lots more random people. We headed out for the alleged purpose of going to meet a bunch of the old 'tones for dinner, but instead--and pay attention because this is awesome--we went home and ordered Papa John's. Suck it everyone! It was delicious and satisfying. I hope you enjoyed your dirt-wieners.
Afterward said old 'tones did end up coming to our place for a little 'tone shot--which was enormously lame, sorry Younger Generation--and the Elders headed back out to Corby's for drinks and supreme awkwardness. Dare I write about it? Nah, I shouldn't. Still, it resulted in the stratification of our entire group, forcing everyone to migrate from one side of the bar to the other in shifts, which was pretty glorious. I saw Silio there, and he beat the shit out of me and 97 others for no apparent reason. Classic Silio! I think we again left relatively early, opting out of the Backer or the Falto Gathering on the theory that by retiring early we'd be out bright and early, as promised, for the Mothball tailgate.
I assume you can see where this is going. We got there around 11. I don't know what happened. We were up at 8:15. But then we just kept watching Tivo'd NewsRadios. Andy Dick is so...freaking...funny. I love it when he falls down! So we got out there late and it was in full swing. Trying to chronicle it all would unravel my very soul, but definitely the highlight was Brian Vnak asking if I'd seen his bling...and then reaching for his crotch. Those few moments were a horrifying cacophony of simultaneous thoughts--"No...Prince Albert?"--"The goggles do nothing!"--"You magnificent bastard!"--and, bizarrely--"I always knew this day would come."--but what actually followed was easily the greatest thing I've seen since that guy was walking around in an orange "Taco Bell? Fine by me" T-Shirt.
Rhinstone. "Vnak." Belt Buckle. Son of a bitch had it custom made! I've never been so jealous of another man's crotchal area. So shiny.
The second awesomest moment was also a Vnak special, when in attempt to shotgun a Coors Light he somehow pinholed a shaken can and showered Lizett and I in a glorious rain of delicious, glistening nectar. It's always been my dream to make love in a shower of beer, so what else could I do? Unfortunately Vnak was also standing over all of the instruments at the time, so I hope all you marching chumps enjoyed your sticky yet delicious horns.
The game was excellent. Again, too long to chronicle. Lizett said "Dag, yo!" and "Samardzija, Samardzija!" perhaps 29 times, which is good because I surely would have climaxed on the 30th. There was a post-tailgate, a little dinner with the old alums at Damon's, and then an early night. For some of us, it had been a long day. Not me, but, you know...Mothball.
Sunday--hmmmm, Hooters, shopping, Steak and Ale, Cheesy Biscuits--pretty standard. It was good. Good wind down. And I'm out.
Thursday after work was JISM Church meeting numero uno with Ball, LB, Jism, and Megs, who I hadn't seen in quite some time, so that was nice. It was kind of embarrassing because I took the whole church theme too far and showed up in a hooded robe expecting a Big Laugh, but instead they all just stripped me naked and smeared salty popcorn in my eyes. The burgers were fantastic though, the beer was cold, and I made it a point to engage heartily in the consumption of onion rings in anticipation of another Big Laugh after the hello kiss at the airport. Classic me! Lizett loved it, and did not strike me or anything.
After I picked her up we headed back to Corby's where Lizett established an unbreakable lifelong friendship with my former BFF whatshername. Fortunately the Box was there, so we reminisced about all the horrible, horrible things I used to do to him. It brought a tear to my eye--that or the leftover salt. It was standard Corby's, ton of pitchers, inappropriate touching, Rocky humped my back, Lizett verbally assaulted him, I was forever emasculated, and, of course, Ball got wasted. I don't think we stayed out too too late, although God knows. I do know that whenever we got home, we proceeded directly upstairs to jump up and down on the bed until Ball started crying. I know you think that is some sort of ultra-clever and unbreakable code, but no, we really did jump on and down on the bed. We hit each other with pillows. I borrowed a bra.
Friday...some stuff happened. Breakfast, maybe? I don't know. Eventually we headed over to Legends to meet up with a whole mess of folk. These things are good, because you see all the people you knew and liked but don't really keep up with, but then there's so many other people that you don't have to keep talking to them...as soon as there's a lull--whoops! There's so-and-so! See you in three years. Don't call me. I did get to see Mama Tone, which was pretty fantastic. She's good, loving life, doing right, earning every breath she takes. I was listening to Bubba Sparxxx on the way home, so what? So we did that, and practice, and headed back to Legends for lots more random people. We headed out for the alleged purpose of going to meet a bunch of the old 'tones for dinner, but instead--and pay attention because this is awesome--we went home and ordered Papa John's. Suck it everyone! It was delicious and satisfying. I hope you enjoyed your dirt-wieners.
Afterward said old 'tones did end up coming to our place for a little 'tone shot--which was enormously lame, sorry Younger Generation--and the Elders headed back out to Corby's for drinks and supreme awkwardness. Dare I write about it? Nah, I shouldn't. Still, it resulted in the stratification of our entire group, forcing everyone to migrate from one side of the bar to the other in shifts, which was pretty glorious. I saw Silio there, and he beat the shit out of me and 97 others for no apparent reason. Classic Silio! I think we again left relatively early, opting out of the Backer or the Falto Gathering on the theory that by retiring early we'd be out bright and early, as promised, for the Mothball tailgate.
I assume you can see where this is going. We got there around 11. I don't know what happened. We were up at 8:15. But then we just kept watching Tivo'd NewsRadios. Andy Dick is so...freaking...funny. I love it when he falls down! So we got out there late and it was in full swing. Trying to chronicle it all would unravel my very soul, but definitely the highlight was Brian Vnak asking if I'd seen his bling...and then reaching for his crotch. Those few moments were a horrifying cacophony of simultaneous thoughts--"No...Prince Albert?"--"The goggles do nothing!"--"You magnificent bastard!"--and, bizarrely--"I always knew this day would come."--but what actually followed was easily the greatest thing I've seen since that guy was walking around in an orange "Taco Bell? Fine by me" T-Shirt.
Rhinstone. "Vnak." Belt Buckle. Son of a bitch had it custom made! I've never been so jealous of another man's crotchal area. So shiny.
The second awesomest moment was also a Vnak special, when in attempt to shotgun a Coors Light he somehow pinholed a shaken can and showered Lizett and I in a glorious rain of delicious, glistening nectar. It's always been my dream to make love in a shower of beer, so what else could I do? Unfortunately Vnak was also standing over all of the instruments at the time, so I hope all you marching chumps enjoyed your sticky yet delicious horns.
The game was excellent. Again, too long to chronicle. Lizett said "Dag, yo!" and "Samardzija, Samardzija!" perhaps 29 times, which is good because I surely would have climaxed on the 30th. There was a post-tailgate, a little dinner with the old alums at Damon's, and then an early night. For some of us, it had been a long day. Not me, but, you know...Mothball.
Sunday--hmmmm, Hooters, shopping, Steak and Ale, Cheesy Biscuits--pretty standard. It was good. Good wind down. And I'm out.
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10:00 AM, October 12, 2006
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