Here's To The Sluts

No, not all you loose ladies out there, you make Baby Jesus cry. I'm talking about my old section mates, the 3B Sluts of O'Neill Hall. One of my extremely few regrets from my college days is that I didn't spend more time hanging around the dorm--too busy at the nerdery with my band chums. And by the nerdery I mean...various drinking establishments. Anyway, although I never really became part of the group, the Sluts still hold a special place in my pants. Take, for example--

--Corey, who had a million stories, all of which started with either 'Okay, so we were really drunk" or, more commonly "Okay, so we were ****ing."

--D-Give, who snapped my neck like a slim-jim for allegedly releasing some unseemly information about him on the internet.

--Adam, who answered yes to the "Have crapped your pants in the past 5 years?" question on the purity test.

--Dave Arch, creator of the Arch Deluxe. The Arch Deluxe has been removed from circulation, in Dave's words, "for the good of the world"--but it will always live on in my deepest nightmares. Even reading about it could cause you to projectile vomit all over your screen, let us just say I have seen parts of Dave man was never meant to see. And so has my mom. Thanks for slipping that picture into the pile, Dave.

--LB...too many atrocities to list.

--Nolan, who asked for (and got) a wheelchair for Christmas because he was "tired of walking everywhere". Everyone's hands were pretty shredded from getting them caught in the spokes during wheelchair time trials, but it was widely agreed to be worth it.

--CM, who filled a whole door with cartoon spermys in a hilariously short time, earned one by one each time he was caught, um, indulging himself.

--BR, who got roaringly drunk with amazing frequency and, God bless him, ended up naked every time.

Other happy memories include: that weird game we played in the hall with a rolled up tape ball. Covering the walls of our room, one by one, with coors light cases. I don't think our TV reception ever actually improved, but by God we claimed it did, often and enthusiastically. The grossest bathroom EVER after we all had to take those menengitis pills that turned your pee orange--everyone thought it was too cool looking to flush. Winning $100 off a single series of Mario Kart. Ditka savagely beating LB after being locked out of the room for several hours. Dom, our RA, beating us with his shoes.

Ha! I just realized this was one of those entries that's extremely boring to everyone but me. You're going to jail.